A while back, I joined a "super secret" group on facebook for mothers who parent trauma. Most of these moms are struggling greatly with the life that chose them. Though I know none of these women personally (atleast, not until Orlando!!,) my heart aches for each one of them. A year ago, I was where they are. I could never have dreamed we'd be this far already. Yet, some days, I feel like we're back at square one again. Thankfully, those days are getting fewer, and the happiness is drifting back into our family.
I wanted to make a list of things that have worked for us. I realize that each child is different, and each situation, unique, but hopefully there will at least a few of these things that will work. And hopefully, some of these precious ladies will take the time to read this post.
1. Research, research, reasearch!! There are tons of great RAD websites, blogs, books, and videos out there. I am partial to Christine Moers, Nancy Thomas, Corey Waters, and House Calls Counseling. There are a bunch of blogs I follow regularly. Check my blogs at the bottom. When I get computer saavy, I will post these as a link, but since that will take about as long as it will take the 49ers to win another super bowl (die hard fan!!,) this will have to do.
2. Trigger words- When the kids start to ask nonsense questions, we use the word "elephant" in a sentence, ie: "Mommy, is that your pop?" "No, sweetie. It's the elephant's pop." Then, I ignore any nonsense question after that. Even my 4-year-old caught on pretty quickly. E gets really excited (obnoxiously so) quite easily, so we use the word "eclipse." Because she really wants to heal, this will stop her in her tracks. We change it up for the holidays, ie: Halloween is gobblin, Chirstmas is Holly, Thanksgiving is gobble, and making 4-H projects is just stop that before I hot glue your lips shut-- actually it is clover. She likes to pick the word and it really does work for her. My 6-year-old likes "bellybutton." Have fun with it. If it doesn't work, give it time. It took several sessions of eye rolling and "Uh! Mom!!" before it worked for my cheribim.
3. Sing!! Doesn't matter what, just belt it out! I love to sing heavy metal songs with an opera melody, out of tune, of course. Any song with the word "eyes" in it is great for eye contact. "My Eyes Adored You", Eye of the Tiger", "Angel Eyes", etc. Nothing stops a meltdown in public like singing "Bohemian Rapsody" in the middle of Target, you know, the "Mama Mia" part! "Stairway to Heaven" is equally obnoxious.
4. Catch them off guard. My favorite response to my daughter's meltdown and subsiquent "I hate you" was "Wait! Can you say that with a southern accent? I Hate You- exagerated drawl. How about a Brittish accent? I say gov'ner. I hate you. How about alien? Beep, beep, beep." It only worked once, but I didn't hear "I hate you" for a long time.
5. Grab the video camera. Nothing shuts down a tantrum like getting hard evidence. Never even had to turn it on.
Body is shutting down. Too many hours of 4-H projects and 3 pans of cookies to make tomorrow before judging at 2:00. I will continue my list soon. Hope for blues, be satisfied to get them all finished.
I wanted to make a list of things that have worked for us. I realize that each child is different, and each situation, unique, but hopefully there will at least a few of these things that will work. And hopefully, some of these precious ladies will take the time to read this post.
1. Research, research, reasearch!! There are tons of great RAD websites, blogs, books, and videos out there. I am partial to Christine Moers, Nancy Thomas, Corey Waters, and House Calls Counseling. There are a bunch of blogs I follow regularly. Check my blogs at the bottom. When I get computer saavy, I will post these as a link, but since that will take about as long as it will take the 49ers to win another super bowl (die hard fan!!,) this will have to do.
2. Trigger words- When the kids start to ask nonsense questions, we use the word "elephant" in a sentence, ie: "Mommy, is that your pop?" "No, sweetie. It's the elephant's pop." Then, I ignore any nonsense question after that. Even my 4-year-old caught on pretty quickly. E gets really excited (obnoxiously so) quite easily, so we use the word "eclipse." Because she really wants to heal, this will stop her in her tracks. We change it up for the holidays, ie: Halloween is gobblin, Chirstmas is Holly, Thanksgiving is gobble, and making 4-H projects is just stop that before I hot glue your lips shut-- actually it is clover. She likes to pick the word and it really does work for her. My 6-year-old likes "bellybutton." Have fun with it. If it doesn't work, give it time. It took several sessions of eye rolling and "Uh! Mom!!" before it worked for my cheribim.
3. Sing!! Doesn't matter what, just belt it out! I love to sing heavy metal songs with an opera melody, out of tune, of course. Any song with the word "eyes" in it is great for eye contact. "My Eyes Adored You", Eye of the Tiger", "Angel Eyes", etc. Nothing stops a meltdown in public like singing "Bohemian Rapsody" in the middle of Target, you know, the "Mama Mia" part! "Stairway to Heaven" is equally obnoxious.
4. Catch them off guard. My favorite response to my daughter's meltdown and subsiquent "I hate you" was "Wait! Can you say that with a southern accent? I Hate You- exagerated drawl. How about a Brittish accent? I say gov'ner. I hate you. How about alien? Beep, beep, beep." It only worked once, but I didn't hear "I hate you" for a long time.
5. Grab the video camera. Nothing shuts down a tantrum like getting hard evidence. Never even had to turn it on.
Body is shutting down. Too many hours of 4-H projects and 3 pans of cookies to make tomorrow before judging at 2:00. I will continue my list soon. Hope for blues, be satisfied to get them all finished.
