Co-Parenting-- Is it Just a Dream?

My husband and I got along so well, it's scary. We have waaaay too much fun together. I'm the visionary and he is the builder. I imagined our house with a wrap-around deck. I told him what I wanted, and he built it. We finish each other's sentences. We have a bazillion inside jokes. It drives the kids crazy when we start to hysterically laugh at something that, to them, is not funny. He is my best friend, and I dream of growing old and fat with him (okay, so we're already there. Older and fatter, LOL!) He knew that my biggest dream was to marry my best friend and have a bunch of kids. Dream realized.

Unfortunately, we differ greatly on our idea of what is the best way to parent our cherubim. We were both raised on spanking, punishing, and chores. We raised our biological son the same way. Fortunately for us, he did not have many disapline issues. He is respectful and loving. In spite of (or maybe because of) his disabilities, he is a people magnet. People are just drawn to him. He's been on the honor roll since 5th grade. He is never bored and he finishes everything he starts. For the most part, he's extreamly honest and caring.

Enter adopted children. They lie. They break everything. They steal. They cheat. They refuse to put any effort into anything. They MUST be in control. They never help out without having a tantrum. They have attachment issues, two with RAD. They cannot be parented like other children. Punishment and spanking do not work. I have done everything I can to find out how to parent kids with attachment issues. I read articles on RAD, I keep up on trama mama blogs, I attend seminars, and I have attended all but one therapy session with the kids. He went to that one therapy session and he went to one seminar. He thinks that punishing them more is what will change their behavior. He thinks if he hits them, they will stop what they are doing, and they won't do it again. He think that if the kids are scared, they will stop misbehaving. His methods have only made things worse, but he continues to try to parent them this way. I'm not saying my way is the only way, but I am getting the desired results. The kids are not perfect. It will be a long healing process. I understand this. He wants immediate results. Time to use trama parenting on the tramatized parent.

After he got done screaming, pounding his fist into the table, calling our daughter a little son of a %&*$#, and threatening to call a group home to put her in because "It's either her or me." I decided I'd wait until the kids were in school to approach him. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted us to have the best family we possibly could. I told him that sometimes he amazed me with how good he was with the kids. I complimented him on many areas. Then, I said I could no longer alow him to threaten our children and call them names. He had to see that I am getting results with the way I am parenting and he is not. I asked him how he expected the kids not to swear, hit, break things, and mouth off when he can't do it. He sat quietly and listened. I tried very hard not to belittle him or lecture. I ended with, "I know WE can have the most incredible family if WE just work together and help our children heal without punishing, threatening, or hitting them. I am willing to do everything I can to make it happen. Now it's up to you. I love you more than I can say." The ball's in his court. Time will tell what his decision is.