Epiphanies

Thank you God for giving me children with RAD. Did I really say that? Actually, I am thankful. I have learned so much since my kids were diagnosed that I even surprise myself. It's still a challenge, but not as much of a frustration. I can laugh at the silly things, instead of thinking the kids are just being bratty. We're going to heal and become a wonderful family, I know it in my heart.

These are some of the things that have been "lightbulb" moments:

Children with RAD constantly seek praise, but cannot handle it. An over-all compliment, such as "You always make me so proud." or "You are becoming so much stronger (in an emotional sense) everyday." is much more effective than a "You did such a great job on that." or "That made me so proud." If they are given the over-all compliments enough, they will eventually be able to accept the performance-oriented ones.

Attention is the number one goal of a child with RAD. It doesn't matter if it is positive or negative, as long as it is achieved. Setting time limits and defining clear boundaries of appropriate attention are important in minimizing the "look at me, listen to me" behaviors. When I am giving a bath or sitting on the toilet is not the time to walk into the bathroom and tell me about what Myrtle did at recess back in April (don't laugh, it has happened, except her name wasn't Myrtle.) I also set a timer and give my complete attention to that child for no more than 10 minutes. They have learned to get to the point, and I have become a better listener.

Validation is huge. Everyone wants to know that their actions and emotions are valid. For me, it was HUGE to hear E's therapist say she was happily amazed at how much healing E has done this summer, and how much more confidently and effectively I was parenting. We've both grown so much in such a short period of time. This cancelled out all of the " too strict," "mean," and "terrible parent" comments I've received from people who do not know anything about RAD or what it takes to parent a child who has it. I've also learned that it is not my job to judge these people. It is my job to educate them.

I am a student, not an expert. Just leave it to my kids to reinforce this one!!

Do not deliberately set your kids up for failure. Lead them to success.

It is just as easy to love an adopted child as it is to love a biological child. I always say, "I don't love D more, I've just loved him longer."

The most important epiphany I have had this summer is, "Thank God for back to school!"