Doubts

One of the most important things a parent can instill in their children is self-esteem. I compliment my kids constantly. They have so many "issues" that plague them daily, but an encouraging hug, helpful hint, or loving smile seems to help them over the lumps and bumps they encounter. I am trying so hard to make sure everything that comes out of my mouth is positive. I'm even working on my body language and hand gestures. I want my children to know they are incredible. They still have doubts, but each time they are told how special they are or how much their efforts are appreciated, their doubts fade a little bit more. Sometimes they cannot accept a compliment. Their behavior increases after they are told they did something well or worked very hard, because they are not used to feeling good about themselves. This is a feeling I know all too well.

I had a very loving, generous mother. She showed us constantly that she loved us, but she never said it. We very seldom got compliments. My father's way of giving a compliment always had a condition with it. "You did really good on that assignment, but you missed one. You need to try harder." I won 6th place in the world on my horse when I was 15, but my dad's comment was "You did a good job, but you were tied for 3rd going into the finals." He told everyone else how proud he was, he even went to the women's department of JC Penney's to buy me a long dress for the banquet, but all I could remember was, "You were tied for 3rd going into the finals." I always look for the hidden negative behind every compliment. I was one of only 3 freshmen in high school to make it into swing choir. I was on a music scholarship to a junior college, yet I still wonder if I really have a good voice. I hear it all the time, but as I watch American Idol, I wonder if I would have been (in my younger years) an AI hopeful or hopeless.

I love writing. I have gotten several awards for short stories and poems. I have several ideas for novels in my mind, and have even started putting some of them down on the computer. Then I read a book by James Patterson or Jodi Piccoult, and I put my author dreams back on the shelf.

I love to craft. I am at my creative peak when I am in the basement working at my craft bench, listening to Hair Nation (yes, I'm a hair band freak,) and painting an ordinary object into a fun and funky holiday decoration. I have done several craft shows and earned over my expectations at all of them. Yet, it still consider myself inferior to the others who are at the same shows.

How can I expect my children to believe my compliments when I can take them from others, or them? I want my kids to know they are incredible beyond belief, because they are. Maybe, just maybe, it's time for me to start believing that there is no hidden message in the compliments I receive. I need to take them as they are given and show my kids that I can believe in myself, too. Lead by example! For their sake!!

Bliss

I love Bliss. I always have. As long as I can remember, I've been the peace-keeper in the family. I don't like confrontation, and I can't stand it if someone does not like me. I love peace and tranquility. I know, with a family of 7, I don't get to experience it often. That's not to say that I don't enjoy laughing myself silly, squealing like a toddler, the total giddiness, and complete, chaotic joy that usually happens daily in my life. I'm a nutball and I'm proud of it!! I do cherish the "eating chocolate in the hottub" feeling that comes with a clean and orderly house, naptime, watching a great movie with the ones you love, and of course, eating chocolate in the hottub. I have never understood the people whose favorite hobbies are metteling, snooping, belittling, and for lack of a better word, over-all bitchiness. For the life of me, I cannot understand seeking negative attention.

Children with RAD (and several of my former co-workers) thrive on negative attention. If they aren't complaining, controlling, bossing, or whining, they don't know what to do with themselves. I understand that most of their short lives, they have always felt so bad about themselves, that feeling good feels bad. They are actually uncomfortable if they are comfortable. I used to work at an incredible facility for the mentally ill. They had many clients with Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of them were self-injurers. They couldn't handle the happy feelings, so they cut themselves to bring back the familiarness of being in pain. My kids do not self-injure (except for picking scabs.) They do, however, pick fights and backtalk just to get a reaction. Ignoring them is the worst thing you could do, according to my oldest daughter. "I did all of these bad things and you wouldn't even talk to me. I didn't get anything out of it. It wasn't worth it." I just smiled and thought that I wasn't as dumb as she thought I was. In a sadistic way, that's also bliss for me. I may not understand the need for negative attention, but I am learning how to turn it into a positive experience. My kids are not quite ready for the incrediblness that is "bliss," but they are growing and healing. It's just around the corner. I can't wait to take all five of them into the hottub and split a giant Hershey bar. Now, that's pure BLISS!!

Epiphanies

Thank you God for giving me children with RAD. Did I really say that? Actually, I am thankful. I have learned so much since my kids were diagnosed that I even surprise myself. It's still a challenge, but not as much of a frustration. I can laugh at the silly things, instead of thinking the kids are just being bratty. We're going to heal and become a wonderful family, I know it in my heart.

These are some of the things that have been "lightbulb" moments:

Children with RAD constantly seek praise, but cannot handle it. An over-all compliment, such as "You always make me so proud." or "You are becoming so much stronger (in an emotional sense) everyday." is much more effective than a "You did such a great job on that." or "That made me so proud." If they are given the over-all compliments enough, they will eventually be able to accept the performance-oriented ones.

Attention is the number one goal of a child with RAD. It doesn't matter if it is positive or negative, as long as it is achieved. Setting time limits and defining clear boundaries of appropriate attention are important in minimizing the "look at me, listen to me" behaviors. When I am giving a bath or sitting on the toilet is not the time to walk into the bathroom and tell me about what Myrtle did at recess back in April (don't laugh, it has happened, except her name wasn't Myrtle.) I also set a timer and give my complete attention to that child for no more than 10 minutes. They have learned to get to the point, and I have become a better listener.

Validation is huge. Everyone wants to know that their actions and emotions are valid. For me, it was HUGE to hear E's therapist say she was happily amazed at how much healing E has done this summer, and how much more confidently and effectively I was parenting. We've both grown so much in such a short period of time. This cancelled out all of the " too strict," "mean," and "terrible parent" comments I've received from people who do not know anything about RAD or what it takes to parent a child who has it. I've also learned that it is not my job to judge these people. It is my job to educate them.

I am a student, not an expert. Just leave it to my kids to reinforce this one!!

Do not deliberately set your kids up for failure. Lead them to success.

It is just as easy to love an adopted child as it is to love a biological child. I always say, "I don't love D more, I've just loved him longer."

The most important epiphany I have had this summer is, "Thank God for back to school!"