Wowee EEEE!

If you've ever injured a bone or a joint, you know how easy it is to hurt that same area again. Usually, it's not re-injured, it's just aggravated to the point of pain. It may hurt just as much as the orginal injury, but it takes less time to heal. If you don't protect that area, you can cause devestating, sometimes irreparable harm. Eight years ago, I broke my knee in 5 places. The doctor said I might never walk again. I was very determined to prove him wrong. Two months later, I was back to work. I have constant pain, and somedays, I can barely walk, but I take care of it, even baby it some, and in a few days, the pain has eased immensely. I know what I can and can't do. Kneeling is very painful, so I kneel on the other leg. Subconsciously, I'm always aware of what will cause me pain. It's almost like a forcefield around my knee. I don't let this injury slow me down. I'm just more in tune to what I can do, and how far I can push it. It has almost become instinctive. Unfortunately, this is an instinct you have to develop. Unlike "fight or flight" survival instinct, this protective feeling has come about through trial and error. I've learned how to keep it safe because things in the past that have caused me pain.

Yes, I do have a point to this. RAD is a learned, instinctive protection for my two daughters. Unfortunately, it's a total system shutdown, rather than setting boundaries for what's safe and what causes extreme pain. Control is the only thing that works for them, even if it is painful. They feel there is no other alternative. They need to learn other ways to keep their "injury" safe, and make it second nature. Trust, truth, respect, and love are all better protective options they need to explore. As their mother, I have to keep guiding their choices. It's kind of like giving them cheese and crackers instead of chips and candy for snack, not as apealing, but a whole lot healthier in the long run.

E has been our focus for healing this past year, mostly because she was with M the longest and had the most disruptive behaviors. She made looking for the positives very hard. She had no conscience and no clue as to what was right or wrong. Self- satisfation and self-preservation were her only goals. In short, this child was very frustrating. She never pushed herself to do anything, homework and chores included.

As I've mentioned several times, the holiday season has been quite stressful in the past. E would deliberatly sabotash a good day to bring back the horrible feelings. I entered into this holiday season armed with alternatives. We picked out a "trigger word." Any time I said a sentence with the word "holly" in it, E would be remined that she was getting out of hand. We talked about what Christmas was for her in the past, and what she wanted her future Christmases to be. We both were very aware that this was the season for escalated behaviors, and we were ready to keep them to a minimum.

In the past, the Christmas concert was always a time for nuclear holocost. She got so excited that she tried to take total control and ruined the whole event. Decorating was another activity she wanted to control. Anything out of the usual routine was cause for a meltdown.

This year has been a welcome surprise. The concert was so enjoyable. She always wants to perform the whole concert by herself infront of the family, so she can have all of the attention. She tried. I said "no." She said, "Okay, Mom!" I said, "That was just the response I was looking for. You can surprise me with how well you perform with your whole group tomorrow night." She blushed and hugged me. She was so adorable that night. She was such a shining star, but she didn't steal the spotlight from anybody. My very favorite concert ever.

A friend came over this afternoon with her two young girls. E tried everything she could to control them. I reminded her that she could be a playmate and not a parent, and she nodded and started to play with them. When it came time to take them home, she wanted to go with. I told her "no." When I came back home, she told me that she realized that she had tried to control the situation and she was very sorry. That's HUGE!!

Tonight, a friend gave her a trumpet. We were renting one, and it was really putting a strain on our budget, so I asked him if he knew where we could get a used one really cheap. He found one and told her he would give it to her tonight after religious classes. She was so excited. She chattered some at supper, but stopped herself before I had to say "holly." It took all of the restraint she had in the world not to interrupt his class to ask for the trumpet, but she made it. When she finally got the horn, she played a few songs for him, gave him a hug, and let out a stiffled, but absolutely adorable squeal. I could tell she was starting to get overwhelmed, but I didn't have to say a word. She let herself be excited, but didn't try use it to control the ride home. When I tucked her in, I told her how great she did. I said I was always proud of her, but tonight, her actions made me really happy. She smiled and blushed a little, even in the dark. She said, "Thanks, Mom. I love you so much." Then she sighed and rolled over. She didn't even have to have the last word. She's always going to have the "injury," but she'll develop that protective instinct and figure out the boundaries that will help her stay safe. She never ceases to amaze me. Sweet dreams my little dimple face! The healing has begun.

Emotion Soup

Tis the season to be jolly, stressed, blessed, ornery, exhausted, frustrated, confused, angry, hopeful, and a whole plethera (I've always wanted to use that word!!) of other feelings. I LOVE Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that my head isn't screwed on just right. Okay, that says it all. Can you guess what book I've been reading to my kids lately? I start counting down til' Christmas on December 26th. It's true. Ask my facebook friends. I have over 300 shatter-proof balls hanging from the living and dining room ceilings. Everywhere you look, there's a nativity. I love the nativity story from the Gospel of Luke. I love praying the joyful mysteries. I do love snowmen, and santas, all of the "fluff" that goes with this season, but I always put the "Reason for the season" first. I'd love for the family to act out the Nativity story, but the cats won't let me dress them up as sheep. As you can tell, I go just a little "nuts" this time of year.

I came from a very sentimental family. We have dozens of Christmas traditions, from the cookies we bake, to the carols we sing, the movies and specials we watch, and the decorations we put up. Unfortunately, there's another family tradition that is not so wonderful, atleast for the women in our family. We can all go from 0 to B in 1.2 seconds. The littlest thing can set us off. Heaven forbid, we don't have the house perfect before the company comes. What do you mean, you want to go look at lights? We need to bake 5 dozen cookies, finish the tree, wrap a million presents, and start our Christmas letter. I don't have time to go see how perfect everyone else's house looks. E said to me last week, "Mom, if you love Christmas so much, why does it make you so upset?'' Of course, I couldn't resist, "I love your father, and he makes me pretty upset, too." She laughed and said, "So when you get mad at us, you still love us?" Ah, so profound. She's a keeper!!

Christmas is torture for my kids. They want to love all of the great feelings, but they feel guilty for enjoying themselves. They are trash. Why should they feel so good about a time that caused them so much pain in the past. Their bio mom never did anything for Chirstmas. They got one gift, no tree, and unhappy memories. Christmas was an obligation, not a gift. A gift that God gave to us. They had no clue who Jesus was. Even the meager gifts they did get, were left behind when they moved. They never lived in any place longer than three months, and they never took anything with them when they "left in the night."

At our house, they get several gifts. Nothing extravagant, but something they wanted or needed (the obligatory underwear!) They have a place for their gifts, and we plan to stay in this house forever, or until my dream acreage opens up. We bake, we decorate, we sing carols, sometimes even in tune!! They have memories. They have tradidions. They have emotion soup. They can't even discribe their feelings. They act up. They have melt-downs. They get physically aggressive. It's not supposed to be like this. They are supposed to realize how good they have it and be thankful for the wonderful family who took them in and gave them all these wonderful things. WRONG!! They have never felt these warm, fuzzy feelings and it "hurts." They don't deserve all of this. They are terrible kids and should not experience all of these incredible feelings. SABOTOGE!! If they ruin what is going on, the bad feelings will come back and they will be comfortable again. Aww! Misery loves company. They will bring you down with them and then all is right in their little, twisted world.

Once I figured out where they are coming from, I pondered (always wanted to use that word, too!) what I should do. Logic told me to pare down the celebration, and make it easier on my kids. Put up a tree and a few decorations, and keep the gifts at a bare minimum. My heart said, WHAT! Keep my Rudolph collection in the totes for another year-- impossible. I hit the 90% off sale at Hobby Lobby last year to get more ornaments for my ceilings. I googled fattening Christmas snacks and bought the ingredients for caramel marshmallow yummies. You want me to just put that all away because the kids had a crappy home before ours? There had to be another way.

I decided to talk to the kids about what they expected out of the whole "Christmas Experience" at the "Mom of 5" homestead. They wanted all of the extras. They even came up with a few of their own. It's not like this is their first Christmas with us. They've had 3 with us already. They knew what to expect, they just didn't know how to deal with it. I decided to start slow. I did the decorations. A few close calls, but no major meltdowns. We went to the concerts. No problems. We had Christmas with the husband's family. Had to rein them in a few times, but we all had a great day. They are starting to feel better about feeling better. We need to take away the expectations, and add more fun. They love that! We went to a lighted parade and fireworks in 15 degree weather. They took away some wonderful memories. It's amazing what a hug will to to calm their fears, and mine. I'm learning so much about myself as I learn more about them. This is soooo cool. I'm still not Mom of the Year material, but I'm getting closer.

Guess it's time for me to get some sleep. Have to shut off the Christmas music, finish off the egg nog, unplug all of the lighted decorations, clear the wrapping paper off the bed and slip in between my Rudolph the red nosed reindeer sheets (yes, I really have them!!) Time to dream about the traditions we'll create together tomorrow.

I Need to Vent

It's 12 degrees outside, the heater in my van doesn't work, and I'm married to a mechanic. Okay, enough venting. Have a wonderful night!!

100 Things About Me

Awhile ago, I read a list of 100 things about sombody on their blog. I can't even remember who's blog it was, but I thought the list was pretty cool, so I decided to write my own. This is more for me than anyone else. I'm curious to see if I can come up with 100 interesting things about myself. The challenge is on!!

1. My given name is Celeste.
2. I was named by two nuns.
3. I have been married for 14 years.
4. I live in Iowa.
5. I have lived in New York
6. and West Virginia
7. and Illinois
8. My parents live in Texas.
9. They moved there after living in Iowa for 70 years.
10. I am not happy about this!
11. I have 5 kids
12. All of them have special needs.
13. D is 13 and has Neuronal Migratory Disorder.
14. E is 10 and has Reactive Attachment Disorder.
15. B is 5 and has RAD and probable Asperger's Syndrome.
16. C is 4 and has Avoidance Attachment Disorder.
17. A will be 4 in 3 days, and has AAD also.
18. The younget 4 kids are an adopted sibling group.
19. I used to ride horses, and was pretty good at it.
20. I won 6th place at the World Junior Quarter Horse Finals in Cutting when I was 15.
21. I love animals
22. Especially cats.
23. I could easily become a "cat lady" when I get older.
24. I love my singing voice.
25. I am song leader (cantor) at our church.
26. I help teach religious ed. on Wednesday nights.
27. I was raised and still am Catholic.
28. I love Chirstmas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
29. I have 2 sisters
30. And 3 brothers
31. I love to craft.
32. I love to read.
33. I have read Les Miserables cover to cover
34. And it is one of my favorite books.
35. I also love The Shack, To Kill a Mockingbird, and The Bible.
36. I love to write.
37. I am writing a book.
38. It is chirstian-based.
39. I love chocolate
40. and ice cream
41. in the hot tub.
42. I love snow.
43. I love my husband.
44. Sometimes, I like him, too, LOL!
45. He is a mechanic.
46. I would love to go back to school
47. to be a physician's assistant
48. or a RAD specialist.
49. I hate doing laundry.
50. I love movies,
51. especially Christmas ones,
52. kids' movies,
53. and "chick flicks."
54. I love to sing heavy metal songs
55. with an opra melody
56. in Walmart
57. because it drives my kids crazy.
58. I totaly believe embarassing your kids is the biggest perk of being a parent!
59. I can't spell.
60. I am not a morning person.
61. I like to mow lawn.
62. I love hockey.
63. I used to work for a hockey team.
64. It was my favorite job.
68. I also worked at a care center in activities.
69. I loved that job, too.
70. The super power I would love to have is the ability to stop time.
71. I like to take naps.
72. I don't get to do it very often.
73. I have been to 29 states.
74. I would like to visit Oregon.
75. Alaska.
76. and Washington,
77. but not Hawaii.
78. I would love to go to Austraila.
79. I would love to lose enough weight to look great in a little black dress
80. and a hot pair of black boots.
81. I love to smile.
82. My favorite color is black.
83. I think snakes are cool.
84. I rescue bugs by putting them outside.
85. I don't watch tv.
86. My heros are Martin Luther King, Jr.
87. and Helen Keller.
88. I like cappuchino.
89. My biggest fear is losing a child.
90. I drive a van,
91. and I like it!
92. I have never dyed my hair.
93. I wish I could play the harp.
94. I have throughly enjoyed my 40s.
95. I do not worry about turning 50.
96. I wish someone would invent a self-cleaning house.
97. I love the smell of fresh, mown hay.
98. I want to buy a farm,
99. and have lots of farm cats.
100. I think life is great!!!!!

Blessed With a Migraine

Last Tuesday, I attended another training on attachment disorders. It was a former therapist of E's (former only because she was an hour drive away.) She uses the Nurtured Heart approach. I knew quite a bit about the technique, but I really needed a refresher. We couldn't find a monster-sitter, so I went alone, which was really kind of nice for a change. There were two other presenters, and together there was a wealth of knowledge. They had some wonderful ideas, and were so supportive of everyone there. I left the meeting feeling recharged and re-energized.

The next morning, I woke up in a great mood (a rare occasion, unfortunately,) and the kids picked up on my "happy energy." We had a really good day. We had religious education that night, and I could feel a headache coming on. I took some headache medicine and went to class. I started feeling sick to my stomach and light-headed. I shrugged it off, got the kids ready for bed, and played on the computer for a short while. I still couldn't shake the headache, so I took some more medicine and went to bed. By 3:00 a.m., my head was pounding. I rolled out of bed and litterally crawled to the bathroom to vomit. I made it down the steps and decided to take a bath. I never knew water could be so loud. I hadn't had a migraine since I was pregnant 13 years ago, so it took a while for it to register that was what was happening. I got into the tub and immersed my head to try to ease the pain. I laid in the water, begging God to ease the pain. I saw a flash of light, but it was a very good light, calming and gentle. I felt an unexplainable need to crawl in bed with E and hold her. Then a thought came to me. This is how she feels. She is in such emotional pain, and all she wants is for it to stop. We want her to be healed and do everything the way we expect. We need to open our hearts to fully love her without expectations. Love her where she is at and nurture her to where we know she can be. I laid in the bathtub sobbing, sobbing for the uncaring mother I had been, sobbing for my beautiful, hurting daughter, sobbing at the wonders God had revealed to me, sobbing because the water was getting cold. I got myself together and dried my hair. I finally realized my headache was gone. I resisted the urge to lay down beside E, and crawed back in my bed, excited about what lie ahead for all of us.

In the morning, my headache was back, but I still felt the warmth and comfort from my hour in the tub. I gathered E in my arms and told her what had happened. She wept openly. She never cries unless she is mad. She melted into my arms and cried over and over, "I love you so much, Mom." Of course, I was bawling and blubbering, "I love you, too." It was such an "Oprah" moment. My relationship with all of my kids has improved so much in just these four days. The three youngest are testing my new-found patience and understanding, but I'm doing pretty good. I relapse some in the late afternoon, but I realize, I can't change 47 years of habit in four days. Some change is better than none, and if I do better today than I did yesterday, I've reached my goal. I have grown so much as a parent since we fostered these four kids, but it took a migraine to open my eyes to THEIR pain and make me really understand how to open my heart completely to them. We're gonna make it!! Hopefully, I won't need another migraine to show me the way!

My Stewardship Article

I'm on the stewardship committee at church, and I was asked to write an article for our newsletter. I picked December. It sounded easier than it was. I think the end result was kind of fun, so I thought I would post it here.

I have to be honest, when I volunteered to write a stewardship article for the newsletter, I chose December because I thought it would be easy. All that Christmas love and giving, there had to be a message in all of that. I had a few months ot think about it before I actually had to put pen to paper (okay-- fingers to keyboard.) I love Christmas. This was going to be a snap.

I did put a lot of thought into what I wanted to say. I knew if I wanted it to be brilliant, I'd have to get a ghostwriter, so I would have to settle for "fun and festive" Sami style. It needed pizzaz and a sprinkling of humor. I knew how to write it, I just had no idea what to write about.

Stewardship in December should be a no-brainer (which is probably why I was having trouble with it!!) Everyone gives more of their time, talent, and treasure at this most blessed time of year. It seemed silly to me to talk about giving, when it seems like that's all we're doing right now. I prayed that God could show me how to give even more of myself and inspire other to do the same. I've got five kids, stacks of laundry, loads of dishes, floors to sweep, bills to pay, gifts to buy, cards to send (whoops, I need to write them first!) decorations to put up, choir practice, Christmas parties, Christmas concerts, goodies to bake, carols to sing, egg nog to drink, and those are just the highlights. To say my plate is full is an understatement. My plate is the size of Alaska and I need sideboards (yes, I've already used that in another blog entry, but the people at church don't know that, shhhh!) And you want me to add stewardship on top of all of that? This was going to be harder than I thought. I figured I needed another piece of chocolate and some caffine to figure out what I really wanted to say.

So I grabbed a piece of sponge toffee, a Dr. Pepper, and my Christmas CDs. The 3 c's, calories, caffine, and carols, a triple threat when I'm trying to be inspired. I put New Song into my CD player. Their song "The Christmas Shoes" always makes me cry. My daughter and I were doing dishes and takling about the music. I had mentioned that I liked the next song, so she turned it up. It's a beautiful song about an old woman who lost her husband. No one visits or calls any more. The little boy from down the street knocks on her door. He had picked some flowers for her, and asks if he can sit and talk for a while. I had played this song a hundred times, but this time I really listened to the bridge and chours:

"It only takes a little time
To show someone you really care.
It only takes a little time
To answer somones's biggest prayer."

"Light your world.
Let the love of God shine through
In the little things you do.
Light your world.
And though your light may be
Reaching only two or three
Light your world."

Thank you God. You lead me where I needed to go. The three c's worked. Okay, the carols worked. The calories and caffine were just a bonus. I don't need to give big things. I just need to give in a big way. I can light my world. Even one candle can light up the darkest corner. We all posess that special gift. Light your world and pass it on.

I said a prayer of thanks to the One who lights our world, did a happy dance, which of course made my daughter cringe and thank God that her friends were not here to see this, and I listened to the song again. Stewardship is giving that "spark" of hope and love to someone else. It's not always what we give, but how we give it. Give with an open heart and it will always be an answer to a prayer. I smiled and finished up the dishes. One less thing I had to do. Now I had time to light a candle or two.

God keeps Moving the Line

Everyone always says, "God never gives you more than you can handle." If this is true, he just keeps moving the line. Just when I think I've had too much, he hands me something more. I've got three appointments this week, I volunteered to help out at the preschool, have to write an article for the church newletter, still need to take down Halloween decorations and put up the Thanksgiving ones, make six phone calls, fill out numerous amounts of paperwork, and shampoo the carpets because we've got bedbugs (I know I keep bringing it up, but I can't believe how HORRIBLE they are!!) Mix all of that with five special needs kids, a neighbor who needs rides because she can't drive, a husband who has six vehicles to fix (when he's not starting them on fire, LOL,) and a 47 year old body that's just plain worn out, and I'd say I have more than I can handle. BUT since God knows my limits and I obviously don't, I need to take a deep breath and say, "Guide me through it, Lord." I could add a ton more to the list, but that would just be discouraging, so rather than whine and complain (okay, whine and complain more than I am,) I'm going to make a list of my blessings. Be forwarned, it will be long and wordy, and probably pretty twisted in spots, but hey, those are just a few of my blessings!

I am so blessed by God. I do not know what I would do if I did not believe in Him. Life would have no meaning. My faith in God must be first in my life, and everything else will just fall into place, according to his plan, not mine!

I am blessed with a wonderful husband who annoys the heck out of me sometimes. I have never doubted our love for each other, and that is something special to have. We've had some really hard times, but most of those have made us stronger. We enjoy each other more with each passing day, and are even working toward regaining that "spark" we used to have-- just as long as there are no gas cans nearby (you knew I couldn't pass that one up!)

Our Darling D. He has a smile that lights up the world and a laugh that is so contageous that you can't help but fall in love with him. He's a sport fanatic. He's never been bored. He has a soft heart. He loves to help out when he can. He tries so hard in school and in whatever he sets out to accomplish. He still loves to cuddle. He loves his school. He has an incredible imagination. He's so optimistic. He loves unconditonally and expects everyone else to do the same.

Our beautiful, talented E. She has that crooked, little smile that makes me laugh. She is starting to discover her creativity and flair for the dramatic. She is just starting the trumpet, and is doing amazingly well. She's great at math, and her schoolwork in coming along better than we had expected. She can dance. We are getting glimpses of the "real" E, and we are liking what we see. She is curious about what is wrong and right, asking for advice rather than giving me her opinions. She's becoming aware of others' feelings and is starting to care if she hurts someone. She likes church and is learning as much as she can about God. She has the cutest freckles and some funky, curly hair. She's starting to give real hugs, and actually wanting them in return. She has healed so much since last Spring. Her potential is huge.

Sweet, fragile B. She has so many issues that it's easy to overlook her shining moments. She is gentle, especially with animals. She can be caring and show love. She is smart and loves learning. She comes up with the most amazing answers to questions. She loves to laugh, run, swim, squeal, and sing. When she is excited, her whole body tells you. She remembers names and faces. She sees details most others overlook. She has the most beautiful hair and a sweet, little smile. She loves to be around people. Her enthusiasm is contagious. She sees a lot of good in the world.

Laid back C. He loves to help, and will work until the job is finished. He loves to build anything, but his favorite thing is to build bridges with his sandwiches (I know-- don't play with your food, but it's so cute!) He can be so caring and loving, especially with me. He likes being around kids at school, but also loves being home with his family. He likes to go to church. He wants to be a tinkerbelle and work at Casey's when he grows up. He loves to make up stories-- sometimes in a good way. He has an eye for cool cars and cute girls (dad is so proud!!) He is very good about thanking people and is usually quite polite.

Our little firecracker, A. She has the lethal combination of blonde hair and brown eyes. She's very independent. She is creative and very smart, it just has to be on her terms. She loves to be the center of attention. She likes to make things for others. She is probably the most "settled" of the youngest four. She loves to shake her booty. She is quick-witted, and loves to be tickled. She is determined and succeeds at most anything she attempts. She is loving and usually cares about others' feelings.

Other things I am blessed with, in no particular order:
chocolate, my kitties, Blue and Vinnie, my fish, my creativity, my singing voice, great taste in music, great parents and in-laws, incredible grandparents for my kids, my church community, my quiet, little town, our farm, clothes that fit, a van that runs, the bestest sisters and brothers anyone could have, love and appreciation of horses, some knowledge of farming, potpouri, Iowa sweet corn, snow, my computer, my small but special group of friends, a very close family, a twisted sense of humor, a second clothes dryer, paint pens, a glue gun, a love of nature, an appreciation for a job well done, a hot tub and swimming pool, great neighbors, good schools, relatively good health, patience, some cooking skills, family traditions, wisdom with age, Christmas decorations, an interesting writing style, a soon to be bedbug free house, a love of reading, wonderful memories, MY fireplace and MY piano, angels everywhere, a fuzzy winter coat, my driver's license, hockey, the ability to think outside the box, and the knowlege that near perfection can always be improved upon. I'm sure I've left some things out. Notice it says great memories, not a great memory. Just writing this, I feel more energized and renewed. I am so blessed. God, you just keep on moving that line, and I just keep collecting the blessings along the way. With You, I can handle anything!

A Letter to Daniel

When my husband and I first became foster parents, we had a placement of two brothers, ages 7 and 5. They were so beautiful, and so damaged. The horror they went through with their birth family was unbelievable. Thinking about it now, I just want to bawl. We were only able to care for these boys for six months before they became violent and started to hurt our bio son. It broke my heart to have to give them up, but I knew that I was not equiped to take care of them. A few placements after our home, the youngest boy was adopted, but the oldest went on to atleast 2 more homes and is up for adoption again. I have prayed for these two boys every night since they were placed in our home. We had planned to adopt them and I still love them very much. DHS, in all of their wisdom, will not let us have contact with them. I realize the youngest boy has a family and is settled in with them, but the oldest boy has nothing to keep his hopes alive. I know he will never see this, but I felt I needed to write him a letter telling him I never stopped loving him and to never give up.


Dearest Daniel,
I just wanted to write a letter to you to tell you I think about you every day. Even though you could not live with us anymore, I have never stopped loving you. You came into our home on July 19th, 2006, and you have lived in my heart ever since. I wish that I had known how to be the parent you needed when you lived with us. You have gone through so much in your short life, and you deserve the best. I pray nightly that a loving family with the know-how to help you will soon come into your life. You have so many talents and so much potential, I know you can be spectacular with the right people behind you. Please remember that you are loved, and that you are a very special person. God loves you so much, and so do I. Even though your life may be tough, and things might not always work out the way you want, you have touched many lives, and we all want you to succeed. Smile, sweet Daniel, and never lose hope.
With so much love,
Mom of 5

RAD Moms' Bucket List

I love the movie "The Bucket List". The first thing on my bucket list would be to become organized enough to write a bucket list. I guess it's safe to say, my list will never get written. As a RAD mom, I do want to compose a list of things we need to accomplish as a family to reach to goal of being well-adjusted and completely healed. Notice, I did not say "normal." I would assume that some of these goals would be on every RAD family's list, but with RAD, you can never assume!

Act your Age!
RAD kids who are disregulated (having behaviors) function below their age level. E's disregulated behaviors resemble the typical behavior of a two-year-old. I'm not being rude, I'm being real. She throws herself on the floor and screams for up to two hours. She begs, pleads, lies, says hateful things, and loses complete control of herself. When she is building up to an "explosion," she acts much older than she is. She has to control everything. Control is the key for anyone with RAD. She cannot be put in charge of anything. B, C, and A also function below age level, but since they are so young, it is not as noticeable as it is with E. D has physical and mental delays that limit his ability to act his age. In most ways, he functions at the level of a seven-year-old. I cannot do much to change his "age," but I can work to get the other 4 living and thriving at their age level. RAD can be healed. They can act like a child and be healthy, if they act like their chronological age.

Say goodbye to pee!
Urine is something to be controlled. Kids with RAD control where, when, and why they pee. It is so easy to decide how to use it to get the maximum reaction and really "piss" an adult off (pardon the pun. I don't usually use that word, but it seems appropriate here, LOL!) My kids urinate to get attention, teach us a lesson, or let us know they are generally not happy. C was constantly getting out of bed and playing at night. We told him he could not leave his bed for any reason. He went to the bathroom before he laid down and should be able to make it through the night. He was going to teach us!! He just hung it over the side and let it go. We couldn't figure out why the boys' room smelled so awful, until I finally stepped in it. The beds are set up so I rarely walked over to that corner of the room. He had been doing it for weeks. He ended up changing all of the sheets, and cleaning that corner out. Now, he can get up to go to the bathroom in the night, but he likes to use that time to play. Hmmm. Play or pee? I choose "play."
A and B like to use urine to let me know they are not happy. They go to the chill spot, and immediately wet their pants. They get to finish their chilling with wet pants, then change their clothes and mop the whole dining room floor. This behavior is getting a lot less frequent. B decided to use this technique in school, and got what she wanted, attention. "Oh, poor B. Did you have an accident? Here, let me help you." I informed the teacher I was to be called immediately if she did this again. It was not an accident, it was a behavior. She hasn't done this since. I expect we will still have more wetting incidences, but they are atleast, slowing down.

When you feel good, feel good!
Most people love to feel good. We get down-right giddy. RAD kids feel guilty or shameful. They choose the familiar, rather than the positive. Compliments can throw these kids into a full fledged tantrum. Holidays are horrible. My kids spend most of the anticipation time trying to sabotage the activities. I refuse to not celebrate the special occasions, but I have had to tone it down, so to say, just to ease the anxiety associated with such wonderful feelings. Even positve attention, such as hugging and spending quality time together, can be too much for these kids. If I go at my pace, I will scare them and possibly lose them forever. If I go at their pace, we will be going backwards. I need to find that happy medium. We're not there yet, but it's getting closer.

Develop a Conscience
HUGE one. None of my four youngest kids have a conscience. They have never been taught what is right. They do what they want and let the chips fall where they may. They never had consequences. They were beaten, but that didn't change behaviors. M's boyfriends didn't need to have a reason to beat them, so behavior didn't matter. Besides, they were the ones who taught the kids to steal. E is still struggling with stealing. She is just now recognizing that it hurts the person you steal from, and most of all, it hurts God when you steal. We have yet to see one of these kids cry because they feel bad about something they did. They cry because they got caught. They do not posess the capacity to recognize and sympathize with someone else's feelings. They respond with fear or anger, not empathy. We're working on it, but this one seems far off in the future.

I'm sure there are many more goals I can add to this list, but my "thinker" is already asleep and the rest of me is ready to follow. Time to go upstairs and battle the bedbugs for territorial rights to my bed. I'm sure they'll win, but I'm too tired to care. Treatment two on Saturday. How come my kids can be bored as soon as they wake up, and I'd be willing to give my give my right leg for an hour of bliss?

"Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?"

You know those cheesy, college frat movies where the pledge is being initiated by getting his backside repeatedly hit by one of the upper classmen? They always have to thank the abuser, then ask for more. Of course, I myself would never lower myself to watching such tasteless garbage, but I have heard about it on an occasion or two. Lately, I sure feel like that frat pledge. I get something thrown at me and I say "Thank you" and ask for more. Some of it I bring on myself, but, being a RAD mom, a lot of it just "finds me" and moves in for an extended stay. These past few weeks have brought many "unwelcome guests."

I LOVE the holiday season, starting with Halloween and continuing through New Years. I love to decorate and plan fun activites for this time of year. Unfortunately, other obligations fall upon me at this time of year, too. Most parents consider conferences a minor inconvienience. They want to see how their children are doing, so they take a half hour out of their day to meet with the teachers. I have 4 conferences at 3 different schools with 5 different teachers. It took me 3 hours, not including driving time (one hour) to find out E has not been completing her assignments, and B is having serious self-control issues. D's advisor does not even have him for any classes, and only knows him from her hallway duty. Luckily, I keep in touch with his other teachers at least weekly. I have a party committee to chair, a malfunctioning communication board to get medicaid to pay for, and four assignments to make sure E finishes up. I thought school was for the kids!!

The school nurse called last week saying D was complaining of his head itching. She suggested we treat for lice. Oh, goodie!! I got all of the stuff for his hair, plus a spray for the beds and carpet. Turns out it was not lice. It's bedbugs. My mattress was actually moving when I took the sheets off. I sprayed twice, and now it looks like Gettysburg-- dead, little bodies scattered all over. It takes about 6 weeks to totally get rid of bedbugs. Gee, I had nothing else to do.

B's bio dad was in a serious car accident this past week. I am going on second-hand information, but he apparently broke veterbrae in his neck and back. I do not wish him harm, but I must protect my daughter. She does not ask about him, and has made it very clear that my husband and I are her parents. She is very fragile right now. She has been having behaviors and symptoms that we cannot control. I feel that telling her might be very devestating to her right now, and a visit is completely out of the question. This man gave me an incredible gift, but I must protect that gift, even if it means protecting her from him. This decision is one of the hardest ones I've ever had to make. I just keep praying that God had lead me to the right decision. I also pray that this man will be healed, and that he will see this as a chance to turn his life around.

I have several obligations that I need to complete in the next few weeks. Everyone keeps telling me that my plate is full. My plate is the size of Alaska, and I need sideboards. My four youngest children have a very hard time with the holiday season. They never had much of a Christmas, and the other days were just an excuse to eat a lot and beg for candy. When they came to live with us three years ago, they had never heard "Silent Night," and they had no idea who Baby Jesus was. We have given them traditions, special activities, and decorations galore to share with each other through the years. We have taught then that Jesus is the only gift that matters. We have shared the joy of Christmas Eve Mass, singing every Christmas carol ever written, and read and reread the Nativity in the Gospel of Luke. We spend time with family for Thanksgiving, watch the parades on New Years and Thankgiving and decorate for all of the holidays. They are overwhelmed. They are not comfortable being shown such kindness. We think that they should be thankful to have a family that cares so much, but they have never felt this way, and it is uncomfortable for them. This season, we finally have adopted some parenting techniques that will help us not only survive the holidays, but grow and thrive. Now, all I have to do is learn to say "No!"

God has Been Working Overtime

You know that feeling when you feel like you just can't go on because life seems to constantly be jumping up and biting your backside? Then God swoops in and lays a couple of "take my breath away" moments on you, and pulls you back from the brink. I love that! I've been living that for the past few days.

My two sisters ran a marathon this past weekend. They were so incredible! We met them at mile marker 20, and my older sister looked like she was about ready to quit (this was her first marathon and she just turned 50.) She got hugs and words of encouragement from us, and she went on to finish the race. It was truely one of the most awe-inspiring moments of my life. I felt kind of bad because I will never be able to run a marathon. Then I realized, that has never been on my "bucket list." I was there for them in a way that I could not be had I run the race with them. I watched my older sister's two daughters and her accident-prone dog. I brought the girls to the race to watch their mom and aunt run, and I took them home afterwards so they would not miss school the next day. So, in my own way, I did help them run the race. Being there for family is always on my "bucket list!"

My husband was fixing a car today when a spark from his cell phone ignited the gas he had drained out of the vehicle. The car was burned pretty severely, but my husband, and our house were unharmed. What could have been my worst nightmare, turned out to be okay. And the look on his face when I handed him the bag of marshmallows-- priceless!!

Now, for the BIGGIE!!! There was a training for foster/adoptive parents tonight. We haven't been licensed for 2 years, so we haven't gone to any trainings since then. The topic was Attatchment Disorders, and I really wanted to go. I mentioned it to my husband, but said we shouldn't even think about it since we had so much to do today. He just shrugged it off and went to work on the vehicle in the garage (did I mention it was a BLAZER?!) After he came back in the house and told me what had happened, we were both emotionally spent. We really needed a break. He suggested he call his parents to watch the kids, and we go to the training. Homerun! I have been complaining that he just is not on the same page when it comes to parenting the kids. I had made a million suggestions on how to reach them, but they fell on deaf ears (made me think I was talking to the kids.) He listened to the speaker. I can't count the number of times he said, "You were right." to me during the class. I finally feel like there will be some positve parenting changes in this house. His whole "I don't care" attitude changed. He asked the speaker if it was okay to walk away momentarily when it got too intense and he said it would be a good time to just go to the garage and chill out. Of course, I couldn't miss the opportunity to write on my handout, "Just don't start anything on fire." I have been asking God to help us find the right direction for our family. Instead of a burning bush, he used a burning car.

Doubts

One of the most important things a parent can instill in their children is self-esteem. I compliment my kids constantly. They have so many "issues" that plague them daily, but an encouraging hug, helpful hint, or loving smile seems to help them over the lumps and bumps they encounter. I am trying so hard to make sure everything that comes out of my mouth is positive. I'm even working on my body language and hand gestures. I want my children to know they are incredible. They still have doubts, but each time they are told how special they are or how much their efforts are appreciated, their doubts fade a little bit more. Sometimes they cannot accept a compliment. Their behavior increases after they are told they did something well or worked very hard, because they are not used to feeling good about themselves. This is a feeling I know all too well.

I had a very loving, generous mother. She showed us constantly that she loved us, but she never said it. We very seldom got compliments. My father's way of giving a compliment always had a condition with it. "You did really good on that assignment, but you missed one. You need to try harder." I won 6th place in the world on my horse when I was 15, but my dad's comment was "You did a good job, but you were tied for 3rd going into the finals." He told everyone else how proud he was, he even went to the women's department of JC Penney's to buy me a long dress for the banquet, but all I could remember was, "You were tied for 3rd going into the finals." I always look for the hidden negative behind every compliment. I was one of only 3 freshmen in high school to make it into swing choir. I was on a music scholarship to a junior college, yet I still wonder if I really have a good voice. I hear it all the time, but as I watch American Idol, I wonder if I would have been (in my younger years) an AI hopeful or hopeless.

I love writing. I have gotten several awards for short stories and poems. I have several ideas for novels in my mind, and have even started putting some of them down on the computer. Then I read a book by James Patterson or Jodi Piccoult, and I put my author dreams back on the shelf.

I love to craft. I am at my creative peak when I am in the basement working at my craft bench, listening to Hair Nation (yes, I'm a hair band freak,) and painting an ordinary object into a fun and funky holiday decoration. I have done several craft shows and earned over my expectations at all of them. Yet, it still consider myself inferior to the others who are at the same shows.

How can I expect my children to believe my compliments when I can take them from others, or them? I want my kids to know they are incredible beyond belief, because they are. Maybe, just maybe, it's time for me to start believing that there is no hidden message in the compliments I receive. I need to take them as they are given and show my kids that I can believe in myself, too. Lead by example! For their sake!!

Bliss

I love Bliss. I always have. As long as I can remember, I've been the peace-keeper in the family. I don't like confrontation, and I can't stand it if someone does not like me. I love peace and tranquility. I know, with a family of 7, I don't get to experience it often. That's not to say that I don't enjoy laughing myself silly, squealing like a toddler, the total giddiness, and complete, chaotic joy that usually happens daily in my life. I'm a nutball and I'm proud of it!! I do cherish the "eating chocolate in the hottub" feeling that comes with a clean and orderly house, naptime, watching a great movie with the ones you love, and of course, eating chocolate in the hottub. I have never understood the people whose favorite hobbies are metteling, snooping, belittling, and for lack of a better word, over-all bitchiness. For the life of me, I cannot understand seeking negative attention.

Children with RAD (and several of my former co-workers) thrive on negative attention. If they aren't complaining, controlling, bossing, or whining, they don't know what to do with themselves. I understand that most of their short lives, they have always felt so bad about themselves, that feeling good feels bad. They are actually uncomfortable if they are comfortable. I used to work at an incredible facility for the mentally ill. They had many clients with Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of them were self-injurers. They couldn't handle the happy feelings, so they cut themselves to bring back the familiarness of being in pain. My kids do not self-injure (except for picking scabs.) They do, however, pick fights and backtalk just to get a reaction. Ignoring them is the worst thing you could do, according to my oldest daughter. "I did all of these bad things and you wouldn't even talk to me. I didn't get anything out of it. It wasn't worth it." I just smiled and thought that I wasn't as dumb as she thought I was. In a sadistic way, that's also bliss for me. I may not understand the need for negative attention, but I am learning how to turn it into a positive experience. My kids are not quite ready for the incrediblness that is "bliss," but they are growing and healing. It's just around the corner. I can't wait to take all five of them into the hottub and split a giant Hershey bar. Now, that's pure BLISS!!

Epiphanies

Thank you God for giving me children with RAD. Did I really say that? Actually, I am thankful. I have learned so much since my kids were diagnosed that I even surprise myself. It's still a challenge, but not as much of a frustration. I can laugh at the silly things, instead of thinking the kids are just being bratty. We're going to heal and become a wonderful family, I know it in my heart.

These are some of the things that have been "lightbulb" moments:

Children with RAD constantly seek praise, but cannot handle it. An over-all compliment, such as "You always make me so proud." or "You are becoming so much stronger (in an emotional sense) everyday." is much more effective than a "You did such a great job on that." or "That made me so proud." If they are given the over-all compliments enough, they will eventually be able to accept the performance-oriented ones.

Attention is the number one goal of a child with RAD. It doesn't matter if it is positive or negative, as long as it is achieved. Setting time limits and defining clear boundaries of appropriate attention are important in minimizing the "look at me, listen to me" behaviors. When I am giving a bath or sitting on the toilet is not the time to walk into the bathroom and tell me about what Myrtle did at recess back in April (don't laugh, it has happened, except her name wasn't Myrtle.) I also set a timer and give my complete attention to that child for no more than 10 minutes. They have learned to get to the point, and I have become a better listener.

Validation is huge. Everyone wants to know that their actions and emotions are valid. For me, it was HUGE to hear E's therapist say she was happily amazed at how much healing E has done this summer, and how much more confidently and effectively I was parenting. We've both grown so much in such a short period of time. This cancelled out all of the " too strict," "mean," and "terrible parent" comments I've received from people who do not know anything about RAD or what it takes to parent a child who has it. I've also learned that it is not my job to judge these people. It is my job to educate them.

I am a student, not an expert. Just leave it to my kids to reinforce this one!!

Do not deliberately set your kids up for failure. Lead them to success.

It is just as easy to love an adopted child as it is to love a biological child. I always say, "I don't love D more, I've just loved him longer."

The most important epiphany I have had this summer is, "Thank God for back to school!"

Notes to self

Since I got our bedroom all cleaned up nice and pretty, I have been having trouble with the kids coming in early and waking me up. Last Saturday, I was fed up, so I decided to give a poptart to all of the kids who didn't wake me up that morning. Only E got one. The rest of the crew was not happy about this. The next morning, everyone stayed in bed, so they all got poptarts.

NOTE TO SELF: Never feed the kids poptarts and take all five of them to church by yourself!!

One night at supper, we were discussing daily chores. We started goofing and said they could clean the toilet with E's toothbrush. We kept joking and figured it was forgotten. After the kids finished clearing the table, C ran into the bathroom and came out with a toothbrush. "Mom, is this E's toothbrush?"

NOTE TO SELF: Do not joke about cleaning anything with a toothbrush. You never know when it will be your own!!

One day, we were doing sumersaults in the living room, and one of the kids tried to get a little fancy and try a backbend. They couldn't get the hang of it, so I decided to show them how.

NOTE TO SELF: You are 47 years old. Paying for gymnastic lessons is cheaper than a chiropractor.

About a month ago, my van was broken into right in our driveway. My stereo and cell phone were stolen and several things were vandalized. We called the police, but in this small town, they didn't have anyone on duty, and would send someone by later int the evening. My husband had gone upstairs to tuck in the kids and was wearing his typical bedtime attire, tee shirt and underwear. Of course, the cop showed up and all of my husband's sweats were downstairs in his dresser. Sooo, he grabbed a pair of my pj pants, the pink fuzzy ones with Tinkerbelle on them, and came downstairs. We all laughed about it, and E asked what we were laughing about the next morning. I told her about the pants, and apparently, the other kids were listening (of course they were, I wasn't talking to them. If I had been talking to them, they wouldn't have heard me!!!) Later in the week, I was telling someone about our van getting broken into, and A pipes up, "Yeah. My daddy wears mommy's pink pants when the cops come over."

NOTE TO SELF: Put a pair of sweats upstairs for husband. Hide Tinkerbelle pants.

I've been making my bed ever since I got my room cleaned up. The kids keep commenting on how good it looks. Three days ago, I went to put A down for her nap, and noticed her bed was made. Then I looked around, and all three girls had made their bed. When I went in to put C to bed, the beds in the boys' room were made, also. All of the beds have been made every day since.

NOTE TO SELF: Your kids watch what you do. Surprises can sure be nice!!

NOTE TO SELF: Your kids are pretty darn terrific!!!

List of Symptoms

Guess it's about time I listed the symptoms of RAD so you can identify more with what we are dealing with. Often times, when I discribe some of the behaviors we are dealing with, people reply, "Well, that's every child." It isn't if you put all of the behaviors together and identify the severity. I will list the symptons, along with the letter of my children and the severity of the symptom on a scale of 0 to 10, 10 being most severe.

Unable to give and receive love- D: 0, E: 7, B: 6, C: 0, A: 4

Oppositional, argumentative, defiant- D: 5, E: 9, B: 6, C: 6, A: 6

Emotionally phony, hollow, or empty- D: 0, E: 8, B: 6, C: 0, A: 1

Manupulative or controlling- D: 1, E: Can I go higher than a 10?, B: 7, C: 4, A: 5

Has frequent or intense angry outbursts- D: 5, E: 8, B: 9, C: 5, A: 6

Is an angry child inside- for the most part, all 0

Unable to cry about something sad- D: 0, E: 10, B: 8, C: 1, A: 3

Avoids or resists physical touch- D: 0, E: at first 10, now 5, B: 4, C: 1, A: 1

Cannot be trusted- D: 1, E: 9, B: 10, C: 7, A: 9

Has little or no conscience- D: 1, E: 9, B: 9, C: 7, A: 10

Is superficially engaging and charming- D: 0, E: 10, B: 8, C: 3, A: 7

Lack of eye contact on parental terms- D: 0, E: 7 getting better, was a 10+, B: 8, C-0, A: 7

Indiscriminately affectionate on parents' terms- D:5, E: 7, B: 10, C: 3, A: 9

Not affectionate on parents' terms- D: 0, E: 8, B: 3, C:1, A: 3

Destructive to self, others and property- D: 0, E: 0, B:9, C: 7, A: 7

More disobedient to Mom than Dad- D: 0, E: 4, B: 2, C: 2, A: 6

Cruel to animals- all 0 except B: 5 very controlling

Steals- D: 0, E: 9, B: 3, C: 7, A: 7

Lies about the obvious- D: 1, E: 7 mostly when caught doing something, B: 9. C: 6, A: 7

Is impulsive- D:1, E: 8, B: 100, C: 2, A: 5

Is hyperactive- D:0, E:4, B:100000, C: 4, A:5

Lacks cause and effect thinking- D:2, E: 7 was a 10, B: 8, C: 8, A: 9

Gorges or hordes food- D:0, E: 8, B: 8, C: 4, A: 4, A, B, C, and E used to be at a 10

Has poor peer relationships- D:2, E:9, B: 7, C: 3, A: 5

Preoccupation with fire, blood and violence- all 0

Persistent nonsense questions or incessant chatter- D: non-verbal, E: 9, B: 10, C: 9, A, 7

Inappropriately demanding and clingy- D: 3, E: 7 has gotten much better, B: 8, C: 7, A: 6

Sexual acting out- D-1 (pre-puberty), E: 4, B: 8, C: 4, A: 4

Bossy with Peers- D:0, E: 10, B: 10, C: 7, A: 10

If you're keeping track, D, our biological son has a total of 28, most of them due to his cerebral palsy and inability to communicate. E, our oldest daughter and the child who was with M the longest, has a total of 193. B, our middle daughter, has a total of 197. C, our youngest son, has a total of 108. A, our youngest daughter, has a total of 156. WOW!!! That's an eye-opener! No wonder I feel like I'm going insane!! Not sure if C's high score is from RAD or his age. He never had his "terrible 2's" so I figure he's making up for it at 4. My score would be 22. With a total of 290, B, A, and E fall into the "moderate" stage, and C falls into the "mild" range. This makes me tired just looking at it. Guess I should just finish my ice cream and get a good night's sleep.

Something that Worked!!

When I was playing with the kids after breakfast, I was goofing around and gave them all different names. I was Charlie and the kids were, in order by age, Verne, Barney, Alfred, Harry, and Myrtle. Alfred has been having a hard time lately. I put her on my lap and interviewed her as "Charlie." She really opened up. She wasn't speaking to Mommy, she was speaking to Charlie, and she had a great time with this. I also learned that Mommy is a good cook, even if she burns supper to the bottom of the pan. Dad is grumpy, but she loves him a lot. M is her old mother, but she likes it here better. Everything is okay. It was very eye-opening. She still cannot maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds, but she spoke from the heart when she answered Charlie's questions.

Harry also liked Charlie's questions. He never breaks eye-contact, and apparently has no personal space boundaries. Mom sets off the smoke alarm when she cooks. Dad is fun, but tickles too much. This is the best place to live. I believe Charilie will make more appearences in the future.

Better Day today. E has not earned any points for 3 days. She actually got 2 points taken away for being mouthy. She talked to M on the phone today, and so far, has not had any issues. This is a first!! Working on projects for the fair. Out for supper tonight. All in all, a good day. Time to go to bed and rest up for tomorrow. Hopefully, sweet dreams all the way around. :)

RAD Sucks

I usually try to think of a cute or creative title for my blog entries, but after today, the only one I can come up with is "RAD Sucks." I have the 5 most beautiful, creative, and brilliant children ever born, but apparently my 3 girls have spent too much time around Darth Vader because they choose to use this talent for the "dark side." I'm old, I'm tired, and as priviously stated in another entry, I do not know how to take care of myself. These girls have been kicking my butt the last two weeks. E stole a cell phone back in May and is still doing jobs to pay restitution for that. She has had to earn back all of her privledges, including the 4th of July and her grandparent's visit next week. Ever since she learned that her grandparents are coming, the birdy has hit the fan and we have "shredded tweet." I usually do not tell her when things are going to happen until we on in the car on the way there. She will drive us crazy with questions, reminders, bizare behavior, and "hovering." We have nicknamed her Huey, because she resembles a helicopter the way she hovers over everyone. She follows my husband and me so close that if we stop walking or turn around, she will run into us. Because she had not earned enough points for her grandparents' visit, I felt I needed to tell her so she had something to work towards. FAIL!! She completely fell apart. Every behavior trippled in severity, and some old ones that we hadn't seen in a while, came back with a vengence. Over a month ago, we had been having serious problems with temper tantrums. One morning, out of the blue, I said to her, "Would you please have a tantrum, because I have the best consequence, and I really want to use it." She looked at me like my head was on upsidedown, and said, "As long as I live here, I will never throw a tantrum again." Everytime she started to get a little agitated, I'd say, "Cool! I might get to use my consequence." and she'd settle right down. Until today. Today, I got to use my consequence-- Twice!! I looked up the two natural disasters that her tantrums most resembled, and she had to do a two-page report on each of them with a paragraph at the end telling how her tantrums resembled them. I chose volcanoes and thunderstorms. She had to use correct spelling, punctuation, and cursive writing. I was VERY picky. It took her 3 hours to come up with 2 pages. That's okay. She just has less time to earn the points needed to see her grandparents. I have arranged respite for her, just incase. I should explain that it is her bio father's mother and her husband who are coming. They are not grandparents to any of the other children, but they have adopted the other 4 anyway. They are incredible people, and I can't wait to see them again. Getting the necessary points is not unattainable, but she will have to work very hard to get them. Unfortunately, her biggest downfall is her mouth. She is so disrespectful when she is mad, and she loses points for each offense.

B has other issues. The mosquitos are horrible this summer, and she is covered with bites. She has scratched everyone of them open to the point of infection. We have tried SkeeterStik, bandaids, socks over her hands, clipping her nails almost to bleeding, and time-out for each time we see an open wound. Nothing works. The program we are using suggests putting her in the bathroom each time we see her digging, and giving her 10 minutes to finish her "hobby." She LOVES this. She digs for 10 minutes straight. My bathroom looked like a murder scene. She wouldn't stop when the time was up, so I left her in there for another 10 minutes. When the scabs were all picked, she made sores where there weren't any. God help me, I do not know what to do with her. I wouldn't worry so much, but she is getting infection in all of the sores. The doctor is no help. He said the socks are abusive and that if I can't find a way to keep the medicine on the sore, I am an unfit mother. I told him to do a little research on RAD. Yes, I will be taking my kids back to him. He's a wonderful doctor, unfortunately like the rest of the medical profession, knows nothing about RAD. B also has no self control. She will repeat something constantly until you stop her. I timed her once. She repeated the same line from a song over and over for three minutes and four seconds until I could not stand it anymore. Today is the first time I have had enough self restraint to let her go until she stopped herself. She spun in a circle for over five minutes until she stopped to throw up. I handed her a paper towel and walked away. She cleaned up the mess and started spinning again. She also throws tantrums, has a smart mouth, and throws things. Oh yeah. I almost forgot. During her tantrum, E threw a lot of the things we had given her into the hallway. I boxed them up and gave them to Goodwill. This is not the first time she has done this, but it is the first time that I didn't give her back her things. Since her boombox and cds went in the box this time, I would hope she thinks long and hard before she does this again.

Now for A. She has torn a whole pannel of wallpaper off the wall in the girls' room. Everytime she gets mad, she wets her pants. When she gets in the pool, she poops in her suit. If she gets a hold of anything that writes, she scribbles on anything she knows is important to us. She used a permanant red marker on the side of my grandmother's piano that my husband made into a curio cabinet. Short of sanding it down and refinishing it, it can't be cleaned. All of these behaviors have happend in less than two weeks. Put all of this with the typical behavior that a four-year-old boy displays, and the a-typical behavior that a prepubesent boy with Cerebral Palsy exhibits, and I am ready for a room with padded walls. Unfortunately, my husband has not been able to help much (through no fault of his own) and my gal that usually helps with the kids has been helping her mother who recently had surgery. Luckily, I do have this blog, and I can escape to my nice, clean room and read after the kids go to bed. But then, I'd probably read a scary Mary Higgins Clark book and have to sleep with the light on again. Calgon can't take me away. There's not enough chocolate in the world to take care of this one. My mommy lives in Texas and is gone for the weekend. Guess I should just snuggle under the covers with my one eyed, noseless teddy bear, say my prayers, and hope for a better day tomorrow. I love my children, I love my children, I love my children. Where's the Tylenol P.M.?

My Pretzel Personality

Ask pretty much anyone to name something that is twisted, and they will say a pretzel. Unless they know me. Then they will say it is my personality. I'm okay with that. I have long accepted that I am strange. Most people have trouble thinking outside the box. I was never given a box, or if I was, I probably packed any of my "normal" personality traits in it and mailed it years ago.

I used to drive my husband crazy with my "creative thinking." Now, he just rolls his eyes and walks away. I have never been able to take the eggs out of the carton from one side to the other. I told my husband it keeps the eggs guessing who's next, but it actually distributes the weight in the carton so one end is not heavier than the other. That, and it's fun to watch someone else open a carton I have already gotten to, and compulsively have to put the eggs back in order. My daughter is embarrased by me because I read magazines back to front. One of my favorite pasttimes is to sing heavy metal songs in my best operatic voice. The bonus to this is that it embarrasses the heck out of my kids, especially if I do it in Walmart. I talk to my fish, pick things up off the floor with my toes, call my cats dogs, eat the ridges off a peanut butter cup, then suck the peanut butter out, sleep with a teddy bear that has one eye and no nose, and I won't kill bugs (with the exception of mosquitos) for fear that I might cause them pain before they die. I love to watch shows about horrific murders (I've seen Hollywood's Most Shocking Murders three times,) but then my strange little mind starts to run away with me, so I end up locking all of the doors and sleeping with a light on. Now, I know all of this just sounds like I'm bragging (LOL) but I do have a point to all of this. In order to properly parent any child, much less three children with RAD, a parent needs to be well rested and emotionally energized. They need to take care of themselves before they can take care of their kids. I've forgotten how to do this. I'm so used to taking care of others, that I have forgotten how to take care of myself. When asked recently if I could go out with my husband and not talk about the kids, what needs to be done around the house, or my husband's job, I answered, "Sure. We just won't talk." One of the last times we went out, we talked about jobs needing to be done around home and went to the movies. We saw a kid's movie. The story of my life!!!

I'm supposed to make a list of some hobbies or activities that relax and recharge me. My list looked something like this:

1. Eat all the middles out of the Oreos and put the cookies back in the package.

2. See how many mini marshmallows I can put in my mouth and still sing the Star Spangled Banner.

3. Decorate the house for Halloween in July.

4. Wear swim fins and a snorkle in the bath tub.

5. Make racecar noises when driving the kids to school.

6. Pretend to talk back to my Rice Krispies-- Wait, who's pretending?!

I must admit, some of the things I think about even scare me. On the outside, I appear to be somewhat normal, something my children are very thankful for. I can play by the rules, be a team player, and stay "inside the box" when I have to. But tell me the sky's the limit, and I will paint it purple and fly with the raccoons. Not even sure what that means, but it sure will be fun to find out. I wonder if I have enough glitter to recreate the solar system on the side of my van, Hmmm?

Living With Scorpions

Yesterday in church, our priest started his sermon with a story about an old man and a scorpion. The old man was sitting on the beach watching a scorpion entangled in the roots of a tree. As he watched, the tide started getting closer and closer. The man decided to help the poor creature, but as he tried to free it, the scorpion continually stung him. After he finally freed the scorpion, the man sat down under a shade tree to rest his swollen hand. A young man who had been watching the events unfold, began to laugh at the old man. The old man smiled and said, "Young man, I cannot balame the scorpion for stinging me, for it is in his nature. Likewise, you cannot balame me for caring about and rescuing this creature, for THAT is in my nature." Then it dawned on me, I've been living with scorpions and I am the old man.

Children with RAD have had to protect themselves from being hurt for so long that they often times hurt another person before they can be hurt. They single out the one person who can rescue them and then they hurt them, usually with words or behavior. As the "old man" trying to rescue them, I have been stung so much that my whole body is swollen (I'm not fat, it's scorpion stings!!) Our biological son does not speak, so I had never heard a child tell me they loved me. I had also never heard a child say they hated me. Ouch! Talk about a sting. My oldest daughter steals from us. Ouch! One child deliberately damages the things that mean the most to me. Ouch! They don't listen. Ouch! They hit each other. Ouch! They lie. Ouch! They argue. Ouch! They throw things. Ouch! I can feel my body swelling as I type. I cannot stop loving these children, and they cannot stop stinging me. My love for them can only get stronger, but as I keep loving them, and guiding them, and giving them boundaries, their stinging will lessen, and then, they will posess within themselves the ointment to soothe my scorpion stings, as well as some of their own stings. I just pray I never become immune to their stings, for that will be the time I lose what is in my nature, and I cease to care at all.

Selective Senses

Everyone has heard of selective hearing. If a child asks to go to the park and Mom answers, "Maybe we'll go later," the child hears "We'll go." A child with RAD interprets that as, "Maybe means 'no.' We never get to go anywhere. I have the meanest mom in the world." "We'll see," or "We'll talk about it later," garners the same response. We were at my daughter's counselor's office a week ago, and I had mentioned her constant attention seeking. I told her that what she had to say was important, but if I was busy, she needed to wait until I had time to fully listen to her. She looked at her counselor, moved her head in that snotty little way that always pushes my buttons, and said, "So you're saying, I'm not important." Her counselor was agast. "Did you not listen to a word your mother said?" She made her repeat what I had said, and it actually took my daughter a few minutes to realize that I was actually telling her that she was important, but some things had to be done right away, and somethings could wait. When we got home from the appointment, my son, D, was choking and was trying to get the piece of food out by standing over the toilet, while I tried to "gag" him with my finger (it's okay-- it happens a lot, and the doctor approves this method.) My daughter burst into the bathroom and demanded that D leave so she could take her shower. I asked her what was more important, her shower or her brother's ability to breathe. She said they were equally important and that he'd better hurry up because she was on a schedule. Not sure if this is selective hearing or twisting a breadstick into a pretzel.

My kids also have selective sight, taste, touch, and smell. My two youngest will step over a million toys to pick up a molecule of lint and demand that it be thrown away immediately because it's "gross." My oldest daughter will take 2 seconds to sweep the floor in the evening, then complain that she just stepped on a piece of cereal from that morning's breakfast. On the positive side, they do notice when you've spent a lot of time cleaning something up. We had the van detailed and my daughter, B, got in and said, "Wow, Dad. The van is really clean. Did you take it through the car wash?" I recently cleaned our bedroom after 2 years of it being the dumping ground for everything no one knew where else put. Not quite bad enough for "Clean House," but close. The kids won't stay out of it now. "Mommy, it's so pretty in here!" Makes it all worthwhile!

I suppose all parents go through the "eating" thing. Loved it last time, but won't touch it this time. My daughter will inform me ahead of time that she won't like something, and I'd better make her something else. I tell her, "Okay. I'll make you breakfast in the morning." She's never gone without eating a meal. Because of the neglect they all suffered with their birth mom, Each of my adopted children has "food issues." One pockets food in his cheek to eat later, one steals food so she always has something to eat, one was so used to eating only one meal a day that she eats one huge meal and barely touches the other two, and the other one eats very quickly so she sure to get the most food. Even after being with us almost 3 years, they still often revert back to their survival modes.

Touch is very selective with neglected children (or so I found out the hard way.) Our kids never had clothes that were machine washed. The oldest washed them in the sink using bar soap. The first few times they wore clothes washed in detergent and softener, they all had a reaction. Not a full rash, just red skin. This lasted a week or two, and we haven't had a problem since. One of my daughters is hypersensitive. A certain blanket, some clothes, even some stuffed toys feel "yucky" to her. Tags in clothes drive her insane. We questioned Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder, or Asperger's, but her doctor says she doesn't display enough other symptoms to diagnose either disorder. It's not a direct symptom of RAD, but it is a behavior sometimes exhibited by a child with it. And the fun never ends!!

They say that smell is the sense that triggers the most memories. The smell of urine and feces did not bother my three youngest for a long time. They sat in wet, dirty diapers so often that they were immune to the smell. Sometimes, they'll smell something that reminds them of their past, and they'll take about it, so in a way, smell is theraputic for them. Some smells that I really like, trigger a bad memory for them. We never know what will set them off.

My kids are growing and healing so much lately. They've taught me so much. Reality is selective. It all comes down to what you are comfortable with. No one ever met their needs, so they did it themselves or did without. Now their needs are more than met, and they are overwhelmed. Change is so hard, but if we do it together, we can do it.

I think I'm selectively tired. When I'm tired, it's time for the kids to go to bed!

Challenges, challenges

My 4 year old son, C, told me, "When I grow up, I want to be a Tinkerbelle and work at Casey's." Something tells me RAD is not going to be my only parenting challenge.

Awhile back, our 10 year old was throwing one of her famous two-hour long tantrums. My husband had had enough and walked away from the situation. As he passed our 3 year old daughter, she said, "Is E pushing your buttons again, Dad?"

B has been celebrating her last day of school for a week. This morning in church she asked, "Is this the last day of Church?"

D doesn't talk, but he gets the point across. He had a cast on for 10 weeks following a recent surgery. Two weeks before he got it off, he started a coundown using the calendar. The he would sign "bath" and "bike."

RAD Family History 101

"Let's start at the very begining. It's a very good place to start. When you read you begin with ABC. When you sing you begin with Do Re Mi." Yes, I do randomly break out in song without warning. This time, though, I do have a point. Although, we have just begun our journey toward healing, I have to include some backround of our first few years together, to bring us up to speed to where we are now. I'll probably even include some of what I know of their history with their birth mom. It would just be rude to refer to her as BM, so I will just call her M. Which brings me to the second part of my song reference. Since this is written with the hope that sometime someone will READ this, we begin with ABC. For privacy, I will call my kids A,B,C, D, and E. I could just go down the line, oldest to youngest, but that would be predictable and so unlike me. So-- 12yo boy is D, 10yo girl is E, 5yo girl is B, 4yo boy is C, and 3yo girl is A.

B and C were placed with us first. B was almost 3 and said 6 words. She was very clingy, but when given time to get to know someone, she was very aggressive. She purposely broke every toy she touched. She had a sore that she scratched open that had become infected. M said it was over a month old. She banged her head repeatedly, and violently hit and bit herself when she was angry. She "stole" food from the table and hid it in the house so she could eat it later. She ate with her hands, was deathly afraid of bugs, and ingested every bodily secretion she could. She also NEVER slept. We could walk into her room at any time and find her awake.

C was a tiny, one and a half year old boy. He did not talk at all. From the moment he came through our door, he clung to me. He whined incessently. He was afraid of anyone and everything. He also hoarded food to eat later, or he "pocketed" it in his cheeks. He was also destructive to his toys, and would rip any book that got into his tiny hands. He barely cried when angry, and had few sleeping issues, aside from adjusting to sleeping in an actual crib. Other than diapers, clothes were not worn in their privious environment. They both hated water, and bathtime was a battle. They were never disiplined, so "no" fell on deaf ears.

As I read back through this, I wonder why we kept these kids, much less, fought very hard to get their two sisters placed in our home, too. Okay, they were cute, and funny, and when they did learn to talk, they said the most amazing things. I fell in love the moment I saw them.

When A and E were finally placed in our home, it was A who had the hardest time. She was 11 months old. At M's house, she was in her car seat most of the time. At the former foster home, she was either held or fed. When she came to us, her needs were met, she was showered with love, and she got to play with her siblings. She was not held ALL of the time, and she was fed when the other kids ate. She weighed more than her 3 year old sister, and was the most unhappy child I had ever encountered. We took lots of pictures, and we do not have any of her smiling. She screamed for hours and wanted to be held and carried, not cuddled and loved. She crawled very little at 11 months, and did not walk until she was 13 months old.

E gave us a three month "honeymoon" period. She was helpful, attentive to her siblings, eager to please at home and school, and never once talked back. Turns out, she's a major manipulator. She is an expert at being "superficially charming." She turns on the charm, then does all of these horrible things behind your back. We knew right away she had control and attention seeking issues. We never figured her for a thief and a liar. Unfortunately, when we did catch on to what she was doing, no one would support us. The school was downright rude. This sweet, attentive child could not possibly be capable of all of those horrible things, I was just a "nazi" mom. She did end up showing her true colors to her teacher this year. Best thing that could have happened. She knew the whole faculty was on to her, including the superintendant. She gave us about a week of rebellion, then seemed to settle down. We'll she how she does when she's home all the time. School lets out tomorrow.

I plan to write specific incidences, but it has taken me three days to get this post completed, so it will have to wait. I had cateract surgery today, and I'm beat. Great to be able to see so well already. I wonder-- do the eyes in the back of my head have cateracts?

"Cuz Ya Had a RAD Day"

Three day weekends are horrible in this house. We're still in the early stages of healing, and my patience is not what it used to be. I do not look forward to summer vacation! Most of my frustration is because I get no breaks from the kids during the day. They are experts at wearing me down. By bedtime, I'm at wit's end, the kids are out of control, the house is a mess, and my husband can't understand why I'm so worn out because I didn't do anything all day. I had thoughts of impaling myself on a claw hammer, but I'd be the one who had to clean up the blood.

Unfortunately, this was the weekend for projects that couldn't wait. Several years ago, we had a squirrel living in our attic (and I thought it was bats in my belfry!!) He chewed through all of the wires for the upstairs rooms. We had to have that fixed before they can insulate the attic. They gave us a week to get it done or no insulation. We also needed our front door replaced, and yesterday was the only day our "expert" had free. We got a hottub for labor on a brake job my husband did, so of course, we had to set that up. The lawn had to be mowed and the usual jobs needed to be completed. There goes family time.

Today, I asked the kids what they wanted to do this summer. They had some great ideas. Along with the usual swimming and picnics, the suggested crafting, reading a big book (Chronicals of Narnia) together, Princess in the Park Day, Pizza Parties, Laff-o-lympics, ballgames, fishing, and lots of other ideas. Wednesdays have been designated "Family Day." No chores, with the exception of cooking and dishes. We do only family friendly activites, and Dad joins us when he gets home from work. We've got the ideas. Now for the follow-through.

The mouthing off has gotten better for our oldest daughter, but the next one has picked it up with a vengence. Her favorite is, "I'm not talking to you." Whoa, there's a button to push!! It's all I can do not to slap her fresh, little mouth. Forget counting to ten. I'm pushing 1000 before I calm down. Of course, there's always another behavior accompanying this, like sticking her tongue out, bobbing the head in a "I am in charge" kinda way, or my personal favorite, shoving the person she IS taking to out of the room so she can control them in private. Did I mention, this child is five? Then there's the wetting of the pants whenever she is mad. She also taught this one to her younger sister, who had 4 outfit changes today. They get to clean their own mess up, but when they're 5 and 3, I might as well do it myself. And the biggest "button" of all, her favorite word is "retard." Since we have a child with disabilities, this is an especially sore subject with my husband and me. I have chosen to ignore it, but my husband has chosen a more "vocal" approach. She loves the attention and it has gotten worse. All five, (six if you count my husband) of the kids were seeking their "mommy time" this weekend. Guess I just need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and start anew tomorrow. It's time for some chocolate in the hottub!!!

Put those down. You'll poke an eye out!!

At my family reunion last summer, I was loading up the car to leave early because two of my five children were throwing up. My mom looked at me and said, "Well you chose this." I looked at her with tears in my eyes and said, "No, it chose me." My mom was not being callous or unfeeling. I had always dreamed of a big family, jut not all at once.

Four of my five children are adopted, a sibling group we had fostered and eventually adopted. Two of the kids had been placed with us, and two more were placed in a sparate foster home. My husband and I were very adament that families should be kept together as much as possible, so we fought to get them all placed with us. We were told that they would eventually go home, the goal in EVERY foster situation. so we figured we could atleast keep them together until that happened. It never happened. May 19th, 2009, we adopted three girls and a boy, ages 9, 4, 3, and 2. Now, keep in mind that I was 46 at the time. Yes-- I am nuts!! Our biological son was 11, and has cerebral palsy. No, I do not have a job outside the home.

We have been having unbelievable problems with our girls, the two oldest in particular. Lying, stealing, not doing homework, hoarding food, spitting, picking scabs until they bleed and picking some more, destruction of toys and books, deliberate defiance, disrespect, tantrums lasting for hours with no reprive, lying, bossiness, control issues, manipulation, and did I mention LYING? These kids do not have a conscience. Our bio son is respectful, trustworthy, loving, considerate, and responsible, dispite his disabilities. We were at a total loss. They had it so good with us compared to their birth mom. Why couldn't they see how lucky they were?

Finally, a friend suggested I look up RAD. All three of my girls have it to different degrees. We didn't need to "lable" them. We just wanted to know how to parent them. There wasn't a lot out there. Our daughter's counselor was even at a loss. I knew of another friend whose son was diagnosed with RAD, so I called her. Jackpot!! She had a program from Nancy Thomas entitled, "When Love is not Enough." It spoke to my heart, It was practical, creative, humor-filled, and christian based. Not all of it is appropriate for my kids. She had fostered the severely affected children, many who have killed. My kids are not even close to that, thank God for huge favors!!We have been using the program for over a month and have seen a huge improvement.

My goal for this blog is to document our journey of healing our family, share first-hand experience of living with RAD, and have a lot of fun along the way. I will include updates on our progress (and setbacks,) craft ideas (a huge part of the healing process,) witticisms from living in a family of seven, survival hints, and R, R, and R for a RAD Mom, 'cuz mom's gotta be rested, relaxed and revived. Since I have adult ADD, I find it easier if I set a schedule to go by. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I will write about our progress as a RAD family. Tuesday will be crafts, Thursday will be survival hints, Saturday is RR&R, and Sunday is recipes and witticisms. I won't blog everyday, but when I do sit down to write, I'll know what to talk about.

I had originally named this "Ramblings of a RAD mom," but I think "Running with Scissors" is more appropriate. Not sure where we're going, but it's gonna be a heck of a ride!!