If you've ever injured a bone or a joint, you know how easy it is to hurt that same area again. Usually, it's not re-injured, it's just aggravated to the point of pain. It may hurt just as much as the orginal injury, but it takes less time to heal. If you don't protect that area, you can cause devestating, sometimes irreparable harm. Eight years ago, I broke my knee in 5 places. The doctor said I might never walk again. I was very determined to prove him wrong. Two months later, I was back to work. I have constant pain, and somedays, I can barely walk, but I take care of it, even baby it some, and in a few days, the pain has eased immensely. I know what I can and can't do. Kneeling is very painful, so I kneel on the other leg. Subconsciously, I'm always aware of what will cause me pain. It's almost like a forcefield around my knee. I don't let this injury slow me down. I'm just more in tune to what I can do, and how far I can push it. It has almost become instinctive. Unfortunately, this is an instinct you have to develop. Unlike "fight or flight" survival instinct, this protective feeling has come about through trial and error. I've learned how to keep it safe because things in the past that have caused me pain.
Yes, I do have a point to this. RAD is a learned, instinctive protection for my two daughters. Unfortunately, it's a total system shutdown, rather than setting boundaries for what's safe and what causes extreme pain. Control is the only thing that works for them, even if it is painful. They feel there is no other alternative. They need to learn other ways to keep their "injury" safe, and make it second nature. Trust, truth, respect, and love are all better protective options they need to explore. As their mother, I have to keep guiding their choices. It's kind of like giving them cheese and crackers instead of chips and candy for snack, not as apealing, but a whole lot healthier in the long run.
E has been our focus for healing this past year, mostly because she was with M the longest and had the most disruptive behaviors. She made looking for the positives very hard. She had no conscience and no clue as to what was right or wrong. Self- satisfation and self-preservation were her only goals. In short, this child was very frustrating. She never pushed herself to do anything, homework and chores included.
As I've mentioned several times, the holiday season has been quite stressful in the past. E would deliberatly sabotash a good day to bring back the horrible feelings. I entered into this holiday season armed with alternatives. We picked out a "trigger word." Any time I said a sentence with the word "holly" in it, E would be remined that she was getting out of hand. We talked about what Christmas was for her in the past, and what she wanted her future Christmases to be. We both were very aware that this was the season for escalated behaviors, and we were ready to keep them to a minimum.
In the past, the Christmas concert was always a time for nuclear holocost. She got so excited that she tried to take total control and ruined the whole event. Decorating was another activity she wanted to control. Anything out of the usual routine was cause for a meltdown.
This year has been a welcome surprise. The concert was so enjoyable. She always wants to perform the whole concert by herself infront of the family, so she can have all of the attention. She tried. I said "no." She said, "Okay, Mom!" I said, "That was just the response I was looking for. You can surprise me with how well you perform with your whole group tomorrow night." She blushed and hugged me. She was so adorable that night. She was such a shining star, but she didn't steal the spotlight from anybody. My very favorite concert ever.
A friend came over this afternoon with her two young girls. E tried everything she could to control them. I reminded her that she could be a playmate and not a parent, and she nodded and started to play with them. When it came time to take them home, she wanted to go with. I told her "no." When I came back home, she told me that she realized that she had tried to control the situation and she was very sorry. That's HUGE!!
Tonight, a friend gave her a trumpet. We were renting one, and it was really putting a strain on our budget, so I asked him if he knew where we could get a used one really cheap. He found one and told her he would give it to her tonight after religious classes. She was so excited. She chattered some at supper, but stopped herself before I had to say "holly." It took all of the restraint she had in the world not to interrupt his class to ask for the trumpet, but she made it. When she finally got the horn, she played a few songs for him, gave him a hug, and let out a stiffled, but absolutely adorable squeal. I could tell she was starting to get overwhelmed, but I didn't have to say a word. She let herself be excited, but didn't try use it to control the ride home. When I tucked her in, I told her how great she did. I said I was always proud of her, but tonight, her actions made me really happy. She smiled and blushed a little, even in the dark. She said, "Thanks, Mom. I love you so much." Then she sighed and rolled over. She didn't even have to have the last word. She's always going to have the "injury," but she'll develop that protective instinct and figure out the boundaries that will help her stay safe. She never ceases to amaze me. Sweet dreams my little dimple face! The healing has begun.
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