Selective Senses

Everyone has heard of selective hearing. If a child asks to go to the park and Mom answers, "Maybe we'll go later," the child hears "We'll go." A child with RAD interprets that as, "Maybe means 'no.' We never get to go anywhere. I have the meanest mom in the world." "We'll see," or "We'll talk about it later," garners the same response. We were at my daughter's counselor's office a week ago, and I had mentioned her constant attention seeking. I told her that what she had to say was important, but if I was busy, she needed to wait until I had time to fully listen to her. She looked at her counselor, moved her head in that snotty little way that always pushes my buttons, and said, "So you're saying, I'm not important." Her counselor was agast. "Did you not listen to a word your mother said?" She made her repeat what I had said, and it actually took my daughter a few minutes to realize that I was actually telling her that she was important, but some things had to be done right away, and somethings could wait. When we got home from the appointment, my son, D, was choking and was trying to get the piece of food out by standing over the toilet, while I tried to "gag" him with my finger (it's okay-- it happens a lot, and the doctor approves this method.) My daughter burst into the bathroom and demanded that D leave so she could take her shower. I asked her what was more important, her shower or her brother's ability to breathe. She said they were equally important and that he'd better hurry up because she was on a schedule. Not sure if this is selective hearing or twisting a breadstick into a pretzel.

My kids also have selective sight, taste, touch, and smell. My two youngest will step over a million toys to pick up a molecule of lint and demand that it be thrown away immediately because it's "gross." My oldest daughter will take 2 seconds to sweep the floor in the evening, then complain that she just stepped on a piece of cereal from that morning's breakfast. On the positive side, they do notice when you've spent a lot of time cleaning something up. We had the van detailed and my daughter, B, got in and said, "Wow, Dad. The van is really clean. Did you take it through the car wash?" I recently cleaned our bedroom after 2 years of it being the dumping ground for everything no one knew where else put. Not quite bad enough for "Clean House," but close. The kids won't stay out of it now. "Mommy, it's so pretty in here!" Makes it all worthwhile!

I suppose all parents go through the "eating" thing. Loved it last time, but won't touch it this time. My daughter will inform me ahead of time that she won't like something, and I'd better make her something else. I tell her, "Okay. I'll make you breakfast in the morning." She's never gone without eating a meal. Because of the neglect they all suffered with their birth mom, Each of my adopted children has "food issues." One pockets food in his cheek to eat later, one steals food so she always has something to eat, one was so used to eating only one meal a day that she eats one huge meal and barely touches the other two, and the other one eats very quickly so she sure to get the most food. Even after being with us almost 3 years, they still often revert back to their survival modes.

Touch is very selective with neglected children (or so I found out the hard way.) Our kids never had clothes that were machine washed. The oldest washed them in the sink using bar soap. The first few times they wore clothes washed in detergent and softener, they all had a reaction. Not a full rash, just red skin. This lasted a week or two, and we haven't had a problem since. One of my daughters is hypersensitive. A certain blanket, some clothes, even some stuffed toys feel "yucky" to her. Tags in clothes drive her insane. We questioned Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder, or Asperger's, but her doctor says she doesn't display enough other symptoms to diagnose either disorder. It's not a direct symptom of RAD, but it is a behavior sometimes exhibited by a child with it. And the fun never ends!!

They say that smell is the sense that triggers the most memories. The smell of urine and feces did not bother my three youngest for a long time. They sat in wet, dirty diapers so often that they were immune to the smell. Sometimes, they'll smell something that reminds them of their past, and they'll take about it, so in a way, smell is theraputic for them. Some smells that I really like, trigger a bad memory for them. We never know what will set them off.

My kids are growing and healing so much lately. They've taught me so much. Reality is selective. It all comes down to what you are comfortable with. No one ever met their needs, so they did it themselves or did without. Now their needs are more than met, and they are overwhelmed. Change is so hard, but if we do it together, we can do it.

I think I'm selectively tired. When I'm tired, it's time for the kids to go to bed!