Blessed With a Migraine

Last Tuesday, I attended another training on attachment disorders. It was a former therapist of E's (former only because she was an hour drive away.) She uses the Nurtured Heart approach. I knew quite a bit about the technique, but I really needed a refresher. We couldn't find a monster-sitter, so I went alone, which was really kind of nice for a change. There were two other presenters, and together there was a wealth of knowledge. They had some wonderful ideas, and were so supportive of everyone there. I left the meeting feeling recharged and re-energized.

The next morning, I woke up in a great mood (a rare occasion, unfortunately,) and the kids picked up on my "happy energy." We had a really good day. We had religious education that night, and I could feel a headache coming on. I took some headache medicine and went to class. I started feeling sick to my stomach and light-headed. I shrugged it off, got the kids ready for bed, and played on the computer for a short while. I still couldn't shake the headache, so I took some more medicine and went to bed. By 3:00 a.m., my head was pounding. I rolled out of bed and litterally crawled to the bathroom to vomit. I made it down the steps and decided to take a bath. I never knew water could be so loud. I hadn't had a migraine since I was pregnant 13 years ago, so it took a while for it to register that was what was happening. I got into the tub and immersed my head to try to ease the pain. I laid in the water, begging God to ease the pain. I saw a flash of light, but it was a very good light, calming and gentle. I felt an unexplainable need to crawl in bed with E and hold her. Then a thought came to me. This is how she feels. She is in such emotional pain, and all she wants is for it to stop. We want her to be healed and do everything the way we expect. We need to open our hearts to fully love her without expectations. Love her where she is at and nurture her to where we know she can be. I laid in the bathtub sobbing, sobbing for the uncaring mother I had been, sobbing for my beautiful, hurting daughter, sobbing at the wonders God had revealed to me, sobbing because the water was getting cold. I got myself together and dried my hair. I finally realized my headache was gone. I resisted the urge to lay down beside E, and crawed back in my bed, excited about what lie ahead for all of us.

In the morning, my headache was back, but I still felt the warmth and comfort from my hour in the tub. I gathered E in my arms and told her what had happened. She wept openly. She never cries unless she is mad. She melted into my arms and cried over and over, "I love you so much, Mom." Of course, I was bawling and blubbering, "I love you, too." It was such an "Oprah" moment. My relationship with all of my kids has improved so much in just these four days. The three youngest are testing my new-found patience and understanding, but I'm doing pretty good. I relapse some in the late afternoon, but I realize, I can't change 47 years of habit in four days. Some change is better than none, and if I do better today than I did yesterday, I've reached my goal. I have grown so much as a parent since we fostered these four kids, but it took a migraine to open my eyes to THEIR pain and make me really understand how to open my heart completely to them. We're gonna make it!! Hopefully, I won't need another migraine to show me the way!