RAD Moms' Bucket List

I love the movie "The Bucket List". The first thing on my bucket list would be to become organized enough to write a bucket list. I guess it's safe to say, my list will never get written. As a RAD mom, I do want to compose a list of things we need to accomplish as a family to reach to goal of being well-adjusted and completely healed. Notice, I did not say "normal." I would assume that some of these goals would be on every RAD family's list, but with RAD, you can never assume!

Act your Age!
RAD kids who are disregulated (having behaviors) function below their age level. E's disregulated behaviors resemble the typical behavior of a two-year-old. I'm not being rude, I'm being real. She throws herself on the floor and screams for up to two hours. She begs, pleads, lies, says hateful things, and loses complete control of herself. When she is building up to an "explosion," she acts much older than she is. She has to control everything. Control is the key for anyone with RAD. She cannot be put in charge of anything. B, C, and A also function below age level, but since they are so young, it is not as noticeable as it is with E. D has physical and mental delays that limit his ability to act his age. In most ways, he functions at the level of a seven-year-old. I cannot do much to change his "age," but I can work to get the other 4 living and thriving at their age level. RAD can be healed. They can act like a child and be healthy, if they act like their chronological age.

Say goodbye to pee!
Urine is something to be controlled. Kids with RAD control where, when, and why they pee. It is so easy to decide how to use it to get the maximum reaction and really "piss" an adult off (pardon the pun. I don't usually use that word, but it seems appropriate here, LOL!) My kids urinate to get attention, teach us a lesson, or let us know they are generally not happy. C was constantly getting out of bed and playing at night. We told him he could not leave his bed for any reason. He went to the bathroom before he laid down and should be able to make it through the night. He was going to teach us!! He just hung it over the side and let it go. We couldn't figure out why the boys' room smelled so awful, until I finally stepped in it. The beds are set up so I rarely walked over to that corner of the room. He had been doing it for weeks. He ended up changing all of the sheets, and cleaning that corner out. Now, he can get up to go to the bathroom in the night, but he likes to use that time to play. Hmmm. Play or pee? I choose "play."
A and B like to use urine to let me know they are not happy. They go to the chill spot, and immediately wet their pants. They get to finish their chilling with wet pants, then change their clothes and mop the whole dining room floor. This behavior is getting a lot less frequent. B decided to use this technique in school, and got what she wanted, attention. "Oh, poor B. Did you have an accident? Here, let me help you." I informed the teacher I was to be called immediately if she did this again. It was not an accident, it was a behavior. She hasn't done this since. I expect we will still have more wetting incidences, but they are atleast, slowing down.

When you feel good, feel good!
Most people love to feel good. We get down-right giddy. RAD kids feel guilty or shameful. They choose the familiar, rather than the positive. Compliments can throw these kids into a full fledged tantrum. Holidays are horrible. My kids spend most of the anticipation time trying to sabotage the activities. I refuse to not celebrate the special occasions, but I have had to tone it down, so to say, just to ease the anxiety associated with such wonderful feelings. Even positve attention, such as hugging and spending quality time together, can be too much for these kids. If I go at my pace, I will scare them and possibly lose them forever. If I go at their pace, we will be going backwards. I need to find that happy medium. We're not there yet, but it's getting closer.

Develop a Conscience
HUGE one. None of my four youngest kids have a conscience. They have never been taught what is right. They do what they want and let the chips fall where they may. They never had consequences. They were beaten, but that didn't change behaviors. M's boyfriends didn't need to have a reason to beat them, so behavior didn't matter. Besides, they were the ones who taught the kids to steal. E is still struggling with stealing. She is just now recognizing that it hurts the person you steal from, and most of all, it hurts God when you steal. We have yet to see one of these kids cry because they feel bad about something they did. They cry because they got caught. They do not posess the capacity to recognize and sympathize with someone else's feelings. They respond with fear or anger, not empathy. We're working on it, but this one seems far off in the future.

I'm sure there are many more goals I can add to this list, but my "thinker" is already asleep and the rest of me is ready to follow. Time to go upstairs and battle the bedbugs for territorial rights to my bed. I'm sure they'll win, but I'm too tired to care. Treatment two on Saturday. How come my kids can be bored as soon as they wake up, and I'd be willing to give my give my right leg for an hour of bliss?