Doubts

One of the most important things a parent can instill in their children is self-esteem. I compliment my kids constantly. They have so many "issues" that plague them daily, but an encouraging hug, helpful hint, or loving smile seems to help them over the lumps and bumps they encounter. I am trying so hard to make sure everything that comes out of my mouth is positive. I'm even working on my body language and hand gestures. I want my children to know they are incredible. They still have doubts, but each time they are told how special they are or how much their efforts are appreciated, their doubts fade a little bit more. Sometimes they cannot accept a compliment. Their behavior increases after they are told they did something well or worked very hard, because they are not used to feeling good about themselves. This is a feeling I know all too well.

I had a very loving, generous mother. She showed us constantly that she loved us, but she never said it. We very seldom got compliments. My father's way of giving a compliment always had a condition with it. "You did really good on that assignment, but you missed one. You need to try harder." I won 6th place in the world on my horse when I was 15, but my dad's comment was "You did a good job, but you were tied for 3rd going into the finals." He told everyone else how proud he was, he even went to the women's department of JC Penney's to buy me a long dress for the banquet, but all I could remember was, "You were tied for 3rd going into the finals." I always look for the hidden negative behind every compliment. I was one of only 3 freshmen in high school to make it into swing choir. I was on a music scholarship to a junior college, yet I still wonder if I really have a good voice. I hear it all the time, but as I watch American Idol, I wonder if I would have been (in my younger years) an AI hopeful or hopeless.

I love writing. I have gotten several awards for short stories and poems. I have several ideas for novels in my mind, and have even started putting some of them down on the computer. Then I read a book by James Patterson or Jodi Piccoult, and I put my author dreams back on the shelf.

I love to craft. I am at my creative peak when I am in the basement working at my craft bench, listening to Hair Nation (yes, I'm a hair band freak,) and painting an ordinary object into a fun and funky holiday decoration. I have done several craft shows and earned over my expectations at all of them. Yet, it still consider myself inferior to the others who are at the same shows.

How can I expect my children to believe my compliments when I can take them from others, or them? I want my kids to know they are incredible beyond belief, because they are. Maybe, just maybe, it's time for me to start believing that there is no hidden message in the compliments I receive. I need to take them as they are given and show my kids that I can believe in myself, too. Lead by example! For their sake!!

Bliss

I love Bliss. I always have. As long as I can remember, I've been the peace-keeper in the family. I don't like confrontation, and I can't stand it if someone does not like me. I love peace and tranquility. I know, with a family of 7, I don't get to experience it often. That's not to say that I don't enjoy laughing myself silly, squealing like a toddler, the total giddiness, and complete, chaotic joy that usually happens daily in my life. I'm a nutball and I'm proud of it!! I do cherish the "eating chocolate in the hottub" feeling that comes with a clean and orderly house, naptime, watching a great movie with the ones you love, and of course, eating chocolate in the hottub. I have never understood the people whose favorite hobbies are metteling, snooping, belittling, and for lack of a better word, over-all bitchiness. For the life of me, I cannot understand seeking negative attention.

Children with RAD (and several of my former co-workers) thrive on negative attention. If they aren't complaining, controlling, bossing, or whining, they don't know what to do with themselves. I understand that most of their short lives, they have always felt so bad about themselves, that feeling good feels bad. They are actually uncomfortable if they are comfortable. I used to work at an incredible facility for the mentally ill. They had many clients with Borderline Personality Disorder. Most of them were self-injurers. They couldn't handle the happy feelings, so they cut themselves to bring back the familiarness of being in pain. My kids do not self-injure (except for picking scabs.) They do, however, pick fights and backtalk just to get a reaction. Ignoring them is the worst thing you could do, according to my oldest daughter. "I did all of these bad things and you wouldn't even talk to me. I didn't get anything out of it. It wasn't worth it." I just smiled and thought that I wasn't as dumb as she thought I was. In a sadistic way, that's also bliss for me. I may not understand the need for negative attention, but I am learning how to turn it into a positive experience. My kids are not quite ready for the incrediblness that is "bliss," but they are growing and healing. It's just around the corner. I can't wait to take all five of them into the hottub and split a giant Hershey bar. Now, that's pure BLISS!!

Epiphanies

Thank you God for giving me children with RAD. Did I really say that? Actually, I am thankful. I have learned so much since my kids were diagnosed that I even surprise myself. It's still a challenge, but not as much of a frustration. I can laugh at the silly things, instead of thinking the kids are just being bratty. We're going to heal and become a wonderful family, I know it in my heart.

These are some of the things that have been "lightbulb" moments:

Children with RAD constantly seek praise, but cannot handle it. An over-all compliment, such as "You always make me so proud." or "You are becoming so much stronger (in an emotional sense) everyday." is much more effective than a "You did such a great job on that." or "That made me so proud." If they are given the over-all compliments enough, they will eventually be able to accept the performance-oriented ones.

Attention is the number one goal of a child with RAD. It doesn't matter if it is positive or negative, as long as it is achieved. Setting time limits and defining clear boundaries of appropriate attention are important in minimizing the "look at me, listen to me" behaviors. When I am giving a bath or sitting on the toilet is not the time to walk into the bathroom and tell me about what Myrtle did at recess back in April (don't laugh, it has happened, except her name wasn't Myrtle.) I also set a timer and give my complete attention to that child for no more than 10 minutes. They have learned to get to the point, and I have become a better listener.

Validation is huge. Everyone wants to know that their actions and emotions are valid. For me, it was HUGE to hear E's therapist say she was happily amazed at how much healing E has done this summer, and how much more confidently and effectively I was parenting. We've both grown so much in such a short period of time. This cancelled out all of the " too strict," "mean," and "terrible parent" comments I've received from people who do not know anything about RAD or what it takes to parent a child who has it. I've also learned that it is not my job to judge these people. It is my job to educate them.

I am a student, not an expert. Just leave it to my kids to reinforce this one!!

Do not deliberately set your kids up for failure. Lead them to success.

It is just as easy to love an adopted child as it is to love a biological child. I always say, "I don't love D more, I've just loved him longer."

The most important epiphany I have had this summer is, "Thank God for back to school!"

Notes to self

Since I got our bedroom all cleaned up nice and pretty, I have been having trouble with the kids coming in early and waking me up. Last Saturday, I was fed up, so I decided to give a poptart to all of the kids who didn't wake me up that morning. Only E got one. The rest of the crew was not happy about this. The next morning, everyone stayed in bed, so they all got poptarts.

NOTE TO SELF: Never feed the kids poptarts and take all five of them to church by yourself!!

One night at supper, we were discussing daily chores. We started goofing and said they could clean the toilet with E's toothbrush. We kept joking and figured it was forgotten. After the kids finished clearing the table, C ran into the bathroom and came out with a toothbrush. "Mom, is this E's toothbrush?"

NOTE TO SELF: Do not joke about cleaning anything with a toothbrush. You never know when it will be your own!!

One day, we were doing sumersaults in the living room, and one of the kids tried to get a little fancy and try a backbend. They couldn't get the hang of it, so I decided to show them how.

NOTE TO SELF: You are 47 years old. Paying for gymnastic lessons is cheaper than a chiropractor.

About a month ago, my van was broken into right in our driveway. My stereo and cell phone were stolen and several things were vandalized. We called the police, but in this small town, they didn't have anyone on duty, and would send someone by later int the evening. My husband had gone upstairs to tuck in the kids and was wearing his typical bedtime attire, tee shirt and underwear. Of course, the cop showed up and all of my husband's sweats were downstairs in his dresser. Sooo, he grabbed a pair of my pj pants, the pink fuzzy ones with Tinkerbelle on them, and came downstairs. We all laughed about it, and E asked what we were laughing about the next morning. I told her about the pants, and apparently, the other kids were listening (of course they were, I wasn't talking to them. If I had been talking to them, they wouldn't have heard me!!!) Later in the week, I was telling someone about our van getting broken into, and A pipes up, "Yeah. My daddy wears mommy's pink pants when the cops come over."

NOTE TO SELF: Put a pair of sweats upstairs for husband. Hide Tinkerbelle pants.

I've been making my bed ever since I got my room cleaned up. The kids keep commenting on how good it looks. Three days ago, I went to put A down for her nap, and noticed her bed was made. Then I looked around, and all three girls had made their bed. When I went in to put C to bed, the beds in the boys' room were made, also. All of the beds have been made every day since.

NOTE TO SELF: Your kids watch what you do. Surprises can sure be nice!!

NOTE TO SELF: Your kids are pretty darn terrific!!!

List of Symptoms

Guess it's about time I listed the symptoms of RAD so you can identify more with what we are dealing with. Often times, when I discribe some of the behaviors we are dealing with, people reply, "Well, that's every child." It isn't if you put all of the behaviors together and identify the severity. I will list the symptons, along with the letter of my children and the severity of the symptom on a scale of 0 to 10, 10 being most severe.

Unable to give and receive love- D: 0, E: 7, B: 6, C: 0, A: 4

Oppositional, argumentative, defiant- D: 5, E: 9, B: 6, C: 6, A: 6

Emotionally phony, hollow, or empty- D: 0, E: 8, B: 6, C: 0, A: 1

Manupulative or controlling- D: 1, E: Can I go higher than a 10?, B: 7, C: 4, A: 5

Has frequent or intense angry outbursts- D: 5, E: 8, B: 9, C: 5, A: 6

Is an angry child inside- for the most part, all 0

Unable to cry about something sad- D: 0, E: 10, B: 8, C: 1, A: 3

Avoids or resists physical touch- D: 0, E: at first 10, now 5, B: 4, C: 1, A: 1

Cannot be trusted- D: 1, E: 9, B: 10, C: 7, A: 9

Has little or no conscience- D: 1, E: 9, B: 9, C: 7, A: 10

Is superficially engaging and charming- D: 0, E: 10, B: 8, C: 3, A: 7

Lack of eye contact on parental terms- D: 0, E: 7 getting better, was a 10+, B: 8, C-0, A: 7

Indiscriminately affectionate on parents' terms- D:5, E: 7, B: 10, C: 3, A: 9

Not affectionate on parents' terms- D: 0, E: 8, B: 3, C:1, A: 3

Destructive to self, others and property- D: 0, E: 0, B:9, C: 7, A: 7

More disobedient to Mom than Dad- D: 0, E: 4, B: 2, C: 2, A: 6

Cruel to animals- all 0 except B: 5 very controlling

Steals- D: 0, E: 9, B: 3, C: 7, A: 7

Lies about the obvious- D: 1, E: 7 mostly when caught doing something, B: 9. C: 6, A: 7

Is impulsive- D:1, E: 8, B: 100, C: 2, A: 5

Is hyperactive- D:0, E:4, B:100000, C: 4, A:5

Lacks cause and effect thinking- D:2, E: 7 was a 10, B: 8, C: 8, A: 9

Gorges or hordes food- D:0, E: 8, B: 8, C: 4, A: 4, A, B, C, and E used to be at a 10

Has poor peer relationships- D:2, E:9, B: 7, C: 3, A: 5

Preoccupation with fire, blood and violence- all 0

Persistent nonsense questions or incessant chatter- D: non-verbal, E: 9, B: 10, C: 9, A, 7

Inappropriately demanding and clingy- D: 3, E: 7 has gotten much better, B: 8, C: 7, A: 6

Sexual acting out- D-1 (pre-puberty), E: 4, B: 8, C: 4, A: 4

Bossy with Peers- D:0, E: 10, B: 10, C: 7, A: 10

If you're keeping track, D, our biological son has a total of 28, most of them due to his cerebral palsy and inability to communicate. E, our oldest daughter and the child who was with M the longest, has a total of 193. B, our middle daughter, has a total of 197. C, our youngest son, has a total of 108. A, our youngest daughter, has a total of 156. WOW!!! That's an eye-opener! No wonder I feel like I'm going insane!! Not sure if C's high score is from RAD or his age. He never had his "terrible 2's" so I figure he's making up for it at 4. My score would be 22. With a total of 290, B, A, and E fall into the "moderate" stage, and C falls into the "mild" range. This makes me tired just looking at it. Guess I should just finish my ice cream and get a good night's sleep.

Something that Worked!!

When I was playing with the kids after breakfast, I was goofing around and gave them all different names. I was Charlie and the kids were, in order by age, Verne, Barney, Alfred, Harry, and Myrtle. Alfred has been having a hard time lately. I put her on my lap and interviewed her as "Charlie." She really opened up. She wasn't speaking to Mommy, she was speaking to Charlie, and she had a great time with this. I also learned that Mommy is a good cook, even if she burns supper to the bottom of the pan. Dad is grumpy, but she loves him a lot. M is her old mother, but she likes it here better. Everything is okay. It was very eye-opening. She still cannot maintain eye contact for more than a few seconds, but she spoke from the heart when she answered Charlie's questions.

Harry also liked Charlie's questions. He never breaks eye-contact, and apparently has no personal space boundaries. Mom sets off the smoke alarm when she cooks. Dad is fun, but tickles too much. This is the best place to live. I believe Charilie will make more appearences in the future.

Better Day today. E has not earned any points for 3 days. She actually got 2 points taken away for being mouthy. She talked to M on the phone today, and so far, has not had any issues. This is a first!! Working on projects for the fair. Out for supper tonight. All in all, a good day. Time to go to bed and rest up for tomorrow. Hopefully, sweet dreams all the way around. :)

RAD Sucks

I usually try to think of a cute or creative title for my blog entries, but after today, the only one I can come up with is "RAD Sucks." I have the 5 most beautiful, creative, and brilliant children ever born, but apparently my 3 girls have spent too much time around Darth Vader because they choose to use this talent for the "dark side." I'm old, I'm tired, and as priviously stated in another entry, I do not know how to take care of myself. These girls have been kicking my butt the last two weeks. E stole a cell phone back in May and is still doing jobs to pay restitution for that. She has had to earn back all of her privledges, including the 4th of July and her grandparent's visit next week. Ever since she learned that her grandparents are coming, the birdy has hit the fan and we have "shredded tweet." I usually do not tell her when things are going to happen until we on in the car on the way there. She will drive us crazy with questions, reminders, bizare behavior, and "hovering." We have nicknamed her Huey, because she resembles a helicopter the way she hovers over everyone. She follows my husband and me so close that if we stop walking or turn around, she will run into us. Because she had not earned enough points for her grandparents' visit, I felt I needed to tell her so she had something to work towards. FAIL!! She completely fell apart. Every behavior trippled in severity, and some old ones that we hadn't seen in a while, came back with a vengence. Over a month ago, we had been having serious problems with temper tantrums. One morning, out of the blue, I said to her, "Would you please have a tantrum, because I have the best consequence, and I really want to use it." She looked at me like my head was on upsidedown, and said, "As long as I live here, I will never throw a tantrum again." Everytime she started to get a little agitated, I'd say, "Cool! I might get to use my consequence." and she'd settle right down. Until today. Today, I got to use my consequence-- Twice!! I looked up the two natural disasters that her tantrums most resembled, and she had to do a two-page report on each of them with a paragraph at the end telling how her tantrums resembled them. I chose volcanoes and thunderstorms. She had to use correct spelling, punctuation, and cursive writing. I was VERY picky. It took her 3 hours to come up with 2 pages. That's okay. She just has less time to earn the points needed to see her grandparents. I have arranged respite for her, just incase. I should explain that it is her bio father's mother and her husband who are coming. They are not grandparents to any of the other children, but they have adopted the other 4 anyway. They are incredible people, and I can't wait to see them again. Getting the necessary points is not unattainable, but she will have to work very hard to get them. Unfortunately, her biggest downfall is her mouth. She is so disrespectful when she is mad, and she loses points for each offense.

B has other issues. The mosquitos are horrible this summer, and she is covered with bites. She has scratched everyone of them open to the point of infection. We have tried SkeeterStik, bandaids, socks over her hands, clipping her nails almost to bleeding, and time-out for each time we see an open wound. Nothing works. The program we are using suggests putting her in the bathroom each time we see her digging, and giving her 10 minutes to finish her "hobby." She LOVES this. She digs for 10 minutes straight. My bathroom looked like a murder scene. She wouldn't stop when the time was up, so I left her in there for another 10 minutes. When the scabs were all picked, she made sores where there weren't any. God help me, I do not know what to do with her. I wouldn't worry so much, but she is getting infection in all of the sores. The doctor is no help. He said the socks are abusive and that if I can't find a way to keep the medicine on the sore, I am an unfit mother. I told him to do a little research on RAD. Yes, I will be taking my kids back to him. He's a wonderful doctor, unfortunately like the rest of the medical profession, knows nothing about RAD. B also has no self control. She will repeat something constantly until you stop her. I timed her once. She repeated the same line from a song over and over for three minutes and four seconds until I could not stand it anymore. Today is the first time I have had enough self restraint to let her go until she stopped herself. She spun in a circle for over five minutes until she stopped to throw up. I handed her a paper towel and walked away. She cleaned up the mess and started spinning again. She also throws tantrums, has a smart mouth, and throws things. Oh yeah. I almost forgot. During her tantrum, E threw a lot of the things we had given her into the hallway. I boxed them up and gave them to Goodwill. This is not the first time she has done this, but it is the first time that I didn't give her back her things. Since her boombox and cds went in the box this time, I would hope she thinks long and hard before she does this again.

Now for A. She has torn a whole pannel of wallpaper off the wall in the girls' room. Everytime she gets mad, she wets her pants. When she gets in the pool, she poops in her suit. If she gets a hold of anything that writes, she scribbles on anything she knows is important to us. She used a permanant red marker on the side of my grandmother's piano that my husband made into a curio cabinet. Short of sanding it down and refinishing it, it can't be cleaned. All of these behaviors have happend in less than two weeks. Put all of this with the typical behavior that a four-year-old boy displays, and the a-typical behavior that a prepubesent boy with Cerebral Palsy exhibits, and I am ready for a room with padded walls. Unfortunately, my husband has not been able to help much (through no fault of his own) and my gal that usually helps with the kids has been helping her mother who recently had surgery. Luckily, I do have this blog, and I can escape to my nice, clean room and read after the kids go to bed. But then, I'd probably read a scary Mary Higgins Clark book and have to sleep with the light on again. Calgon can't take me away. There's not enough chocolate in the world to take care of this one. My mommy lives in Texas and is gone for the weekend. Guess I should just snuggle under the covers with my one eyed, noseless teddy bear, say my prayers, and hope for a better day tomorrow. I love my children, I love my children, I love my children. Where's the Tylenol P.M.?