Wowee EEEE!

If you've ever injured a bone or a joint, you know how easy it is to hurt that same area again. Usually, it's not re-injured, it's just aggravated to the point of pain. It may hurt just as much as the orginal injury, but it takes less time to heal. If you don't protect that area, you can cause devestating, sometimes irreparable harm. Eight years ago, I broke my knee in 5 places. The doctor said I might never walk again. I was very determined to prove him wrong. Two months later, I was back to work. I have constant pain, and somedays, I can barely walk, but I take care of it, even baby it some, and in a few days, the pain has eased immensely. I know what I can and can't do. Kneeling is very painful, so I kneel on the other leg. Subconsciously, I'm always aware of what will cause me pain. It's almost like a forcefield around my knee. I don't let this injury slow me down. I'm just more in tune to what I can do, and how far I can push it. It has almost become instinctive. Unfortunately, this is an instinct you have to develop. Unlike "fight or flight" survival instinct, this protective feeling has come about through trial and error. I've learned how to keep it safe because things in the past that have caused me pain.

Yes, I do have a point to this. RAD is a learned, instinctive protection for my two daughters. Unfortunately, it's a total system shutdown, rather than setting boundaries for what's safe and what causes extreme pain. Control is the only thing that works for them, even if it is painful. They feel there is no other alternative. They need to learn other ways to keep their "injury" safe, and make it second nature. Trust, truth, respect, and love are all better protective options they need to explore. As their mother, I have to keep guiding their choices. It's kind of like giving them cheese and crackers instead of chips and candy for snack, not as apealing, but a whole lot healthier in the long run.

E has been our focus for healing this past year, mostly because she was with M the longest and had the most disruptive behaviors. She made looking for the positives very hard. She had no conscience and no clue as to what was right or wrong. Self- satisfation and self-preservation were her only goals. In short, this child was very frustrating. She never pushed herself to do anything, homework and chores included.

As I've mentioned several times, the holiday season has been quite stressful in the past. E would deliberatly sabotash a good day to bring back the horrible feelings. I entered into this holiday season armed with alternatives. We picked out a "trigger word." Any time I said a sentence with the word "holly" in it, E would be remined that she was getting out of hand. We talked about what Christmas was for her in the past, and what she wanted her future Christmases to be. We both were very aware that this was the season for escalated behaviors, and we were ready to keep them to a minimum.

In the past, the Christmas concert was always a time for nuclear holocost. She got so excited that she tried to take total control and ruined the whole event. Decorating was another activity she wanted to control. Anything out of the usual routine was cause for a meltdown.

This year has been a welcome surprise. The concert was so enjoyable. She always wants to perform the whole concert by herself infront of the family, so she can have all of the attention. She tried. I said "no." She said, "Okay, Mom!" I said, "That was just the response I was looking for. You can surprise me with how well you perform with your whole group tomorrow night." She blushed and hugged me. She was so adorable that night. She was such a shining star, but she didn't steal the spotlight from anybody. My very favorite concert ever.

A friend came over this afternoon with her two young girls. E tried everything she could to control them. I reminded her that she could be a playmate and not a parent, and she nodded and started to play with them. When it came time to take them home, she wanted to go with. I told her "no." When I came back home, she told me that she realized that she had tried to control the situation and she was very sorry. That's HUGE!!

Tonight, a friend gave her a trumpet. We were renting one, and it was really putting a strain on our budget, so I asked him if he knew where we could get a used one really cheap. He found one and told her he would give it to her tonight after religious classes. She was so excited. She chattered some at supper, but stopped herself before I had to say "holly." It took all of the restraint she had in the world not to interrupt his class to ask for the trumpet, but she made it. When she finally got the horn, she played a few songs for him, gave him a hug, and let out a stiffled, but absolutely adorable squeal. I could tell she was starting to get overwhelmed, but I didn't have to say a word. She let herself be excited, but didn't try use it to control the ride home. When I tucked her in, I told her how great she did. I said I was always proud of her, but tonight, her actions made me really happy. She smiled and blushed a little, even in the dark. She said, "Thanks, Mom. I love you so much." Then she sighed and rolled over. She didn't even have to have the last word. She's always going to have the "injury," but she'll develop that protective instinct and figure out the boundaries that will help her stay safe. She never ceases to amaze me. Sweet dreams my little dimple face! The healing has begun.

Emotion Soup

Tis the season to be jolly, stressed, blessed, ornery, exhausted, frustrated, confused, angry, hopeful, and a whole plethera (I've always wanted to use that word!!) of other feelings. I LOVE Christmas, the whole Christmas season. Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason. It could be that my head isn't screwed on just right. Okay, that says it all. Can you guess what book I've been reading to my kids lately? I start counting down til' Christmas on December 26th. It's true. Ask my facebook friends. I have over 300 shatter-proof balls hanging from the living and dining room ceilings. Everywhere you look, there's a nativity. I love the nativity story from the Gospel of Luke. I love praying the joyful mysteries. I do love snowmen, and santas, all of the "fluff" that goes with this season, but I always put the "Reason for the season" first. I'd love for the family to act out the Nativity story, but the cats won't let me dress them up as sheep. As you can tell, I go just a little "nuts" this time of year.

I came from a very sentimental family. We have dozens of Christmas traditions, from the cookies we bake, to the carols we sing, the movies and specials we watch, and the decorations we put up. Unfortunately, there's another family tradition that is not so wonderful, atleast for the women in our family. We can all go from 0 to B in 1.2 seconds. The littlest thing can set us off. Heaven forbid, we don't have the house perfect before the company comes. What do you mean, you want to go look at lights? We need to bake 5 dozen cookies, finish the tree, wrap a million presents, and start our Christmas letter. I don't have time to go see how perfect everyone else's house looks. E said to me last week, "Mom, if you love Christmas so much, why does it make you so upset?'' Of course, I couldn't resist, "I love your father, and he makes me pretty upset, too." She laughed and said, "So when you get mad at us, you still love us?" Ah, so profound. She's a keeper!!

Christmas is torture for my kids. They want to love all of the great feelings, but they feel guilty for enjoying themselves. They are trash. Why should they feel so good about a time that caused them so much pain in the past. Their bio mom never did anything for Chirstmas. They got one gift, no tree, and unhappy memories. Christmas was an obligation, not a gift. A gift that God gave to us. They had no clue who Jesus was. Even the meager gifts they did get, were left behind when they moved. They never lived in any place longer than three months, and they never took anything with them when they "left in the night."

At our house, they get several gifts. Nothing extravagant, but something they wanted or needed (the obligatory underwear!) They have a place for their gifts, and we plan to stay in this house forever, or until my dream acreage opens up. We bake, we decorate, we sing carols, sometimes even in tune!! They have memories. They have tradidions. They have emotion soup. They can't even discribe their feelings. They act up. They have melt-downs. They get physically aggressive. It's not supposed to be like this. They are supposed to realize how good they have it and be thankful for the wonderful family who took them in and gave them all these wonderful things. WRONG!! They have never felt these warm, fuzzy feelings and it "hurts." They don't deserve all of this. They are terrible kids and should not experience all of these incredible feelings. SABOTOGE!! If they ruin what is going on, the bad feelings will come back and they will be comfortable again. Aww! Misery loves company. They will bring you down with them and then all is right in their little, twisted world.

Once I figured out where they are coming from, I pondered (always wanted to use that word, too!) what I should do. Logic told me to pare down the celebration, and make it easier on my kids. Put up a tree and a few decorations, and keep the gifts at a bare minimum. My heart said, WHAT! Keep my Rudolph collection in the totes for another year-- impossible. I hit the 90% off sale at Hobby Lobby last year to get more ornaments for my ceilings. I googled fattening Christmas snacks and bought the ingredients for caramel marshmallow yummies. You want me to just put that all away because the kids had a crappy home before ours? There had to be another way.

I decided to talk to the kids about what they expected out of the whole "Christmas Experience" at the "Mom of 5" homestead. They wanted all of the extras. They even came up with a few of their own. It's not like this is their first Christmas with us. They've had 3 with us already. They knew what to expect, they just didn't know how to deal with it. I decided to start slow. I did the decorations. A few close calls, but no major meltdowns. We went to the concerts. No problems. We had Christmas with the husband's family. Had to rein them in a few times, but we all had a great day. They are starting to feel better about feeling better. We need to take away the expectations, and add more fun. They love that! We went to a lighted parade and fireworks in 15 degree weather. They took away some wonderful memories. It's amazing what a hug will to to calm their fears, and mine. I'm learning so much about myself as I learn more about them. This is soooo cool. I'm still not Mom of the Year material, but I'm getting closer.

Guess it's time for me to get some sleep. Have to shut off the Christmas music, finish off the egg nog, unplug all of the lighted decorations, clear the wrapping paper off the bed and slip in between my Rudolph the red nosed reindeer sheets (yes, I really have them!!) Time to dream about the traditions we'll create together tomorrow.

I Need to Vent

It's 12 degrees outside, the heater in my van doesn't work, and I'm married to a mechanic. Okay, enough venting. Have a wonderful night!!