It's Better and It's Not-- Welcome to RAD Parenting 101

I really thought things were getting better with my husband. He was starting to control his anger and the swearing. For some reason, he cannot control the "nit-picking." I didn't stack the dishes right for him to do dishes tonight. He thought that E should be able to do two days of dishes by herself and get a shower in half an hour. He knows that she hates doing dishes more than pretty much anything, so that is the job he chooses for her when he wants to make her mad. I don't understand the deliberately ticking someone off tactic. He also likes to set her up to fail. I like bliss. There's a new bridal shop in a nearby town called Bliss, and I sooo want to steal the sign. The fact that it is less than a mile from the Highway Patrol office might be a huge deturrant, along with the fact that I actually have an over-active concience. My goal is to defuse any potential explosion with the least amount of spark while still maintaining a backbone. I don't give in to avoid conflict. I redirect, I joke, I speak with compassion without folding, I pick my nose (that one gets them almost everytime, LOL) I am blessed with a very creative personality. I can defuse E almost 95% of the time, if my husband doesn't jump in and try to control the situation. She tells me she loves me all the time, and I am starting to think she understands what she is saying. She is making so much progress when I am doing the parenting. When my husband steps in, she reverts back to ground zero. She hates herself when she does that, but he pushes her buttons as much as she pushes his. It's a power struggle and a lose/ lose situation. I've used my complete theraputic partenting arsenal on my husband, but it does not work. He believes that punishment and ridicule is the only way to parent. I have total faith that my expert parenting technique (okay- my stubborness) will win out with him in the end, and we will be able to parent our cherubim to a life of love and acceptance. I'm just getting tired, and really question if 23 years of sobriety is enough!! Getting really excited about going back to school. There's so much potential in this area for attachment disorder services. I don't feel I'll ever be an expert, but I don't want any parent to go through what I did when my kids were first diagnosed. No parent should have to diagnose their own children and fight with social services and the school system to prove there is something wrong with the way they are dealing with this child. It's so lonely parenting attachment disorder anyway. There needs to be someone in there corner from the beginning. My husband's surgery is rescheduled for the 7th. He started getting more cars to work on so we could get a little more income, and now he will have to turn them down so he can have the surgery. It's a good thing that his diabetes is under control, but we needed a little more time to get some money coming in so we won't fall behind. I know we'll be okay. Just need more hard work and prayer! A very dear friend of mine passed away last week. I did not find out until the day after the funeral. It has been very difficult for me, because she was so special and I could not be there in the end. I know she understands, I'm just having a hard time forgiving myself. Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire. This post sure makes me sound like a martyer (I'll spell it right later.) I have that tendency anyway. I have a genetic predisposition to it, thanks to my mother. I once joked to her that all of the women in her family thought they were martyers. She just smiled and said, "We don't think we are. We know." Gotta love that. I'm not looking for someone to tell me what an incredible job I am doing. I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay to feel that I'm doing a good job. I can do this! My family is worth it, and so am I.

Co-Parenting-- Is it Just a Dream?

My husband and I got along so well, it's scary. We have waaaay too much fun together. I'm the visionary and he is the builder. I imagined our house with a wrap-around deck. I told him what I wanted, and he built it. We finish each other's sentences. We have a bazillion inside jokes. It drives the kids crazy when we start to hysterically laugh at something that, to them, is not funny. He is my best friend, and I dream of growing old and fat with him (okay, so we're already there. Older and fatter, LOL!) He knew that my biggest dream was to marry my best friend and have a bunch of kids. Dream realized.

Unfortunately, we differ greatly on our idea of what is the best way to parent our cherubim. We were both raised on spanking, punishing, and chores. We raised our biological son the same way. Fortunately for us, he did not have many disapline issues. He is respectful and loving. In spite of (or maybe because of) his disabilities, he is a people magnet. People are just drawn to him. He's been on the honor roll since 5th grade. He is never bored and he finishes everything he starts. For the most part, he's extreamly honest and caring.

Enter adopted children. They lie. They break everything. They steal. They cheat. They refuse to put any effort into anything. They MUST be in control. They never help out without having a tantrum. They have attachment issues, two with RAD. They cannot be parented like other children. Punishment and spanking do not work. I have done everything I can to find out how to parent kids with attachment issues. I read articles on RAD, I keep up on trama mama blogs, I attend seminars, and I have attended all but one therapy session with the kids. He went to that one therapy session and he went to one seminar. He thinks that punishing them more is what will change their behavior. He thinks if he hits them, they will stop what they are doing, and they won't do it again. He think that if the kids are scared, they will stop misbehaving. His methods have only made things worse, but he continues to try to parent them this way. I'm not saying my way is the only way, but I am getting the desired results. The kids are not perfect. It will be a long healing process. I understand this. He wants immediate results. Time to use trama parenting on the tramatized parent.

After he got done screaming, pounding his fist into the table, calling our daughter a little son of a %&*$#, and threatening to call a group home to put her in because "It's either her or me." I decided I'd wait until the kids were in school to approach him. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted us to have the best family we possibly could. I told him that sometimes he amazed me with how good he was with the kids. I complimented him on many areas. Then, I said I could no longer alow him to threaten our children and call them names. He had to see that I am getting results with the way I am parenting and he is not. I asked him how he expected the kids not to swear, hit, break things, and mouth off when he can't do it. He sat quietly and listened. I tried very hard not to belittle him or lecture. I ended with, "I know WE can have the most incredible family if WE just work together and help our children heal without punishing, threatening, or hitting them. I am willing to do everything I can to make it happen. Now it's up to you. I love you more than I can say." The ball's in his court. Time will tell what his decision is.

Celebrity Status

I've met quite a few celebrities in my time. When I lived in New York, we had several who were regulars at the grocery store I worked at. They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but after running into (litterally) Mark Gastinau, former New York Jets player in the produce isle, I don't see how he could be any bigger. That man was a walking wall, and very polite. He appolgized for my running into him, LOL! I've met members of Stryper, Guardian, Whitecross, Twisted Sister, racecar driver Kenny Wallace, and drag bike racer Reggie Showers. Strangely, I met all of these people when I really needed their influence. I actually prayed with Oz Fox of Stryper and Tony Palacios of Guardian. How cool is that?! I admire these people, not because they are "stars," but because they took the time to reach out to me. I thank God for each of these special, albiet brief encounters. All of this pales in comparison to the message I got last night. Christine Moers friended me on facebook and even took the time to answer a message I sent her.

Who is Christine Moers, you ask. Only the person I want to be when I grow up, but since I'm a few hundred years older than she is, that is not likely. She is the "Yoda" of trama parenting. She's got the coolest sense of humor and as far as parenting RAD-- she just gets it! She's got the best videos on theraputic parenting on Youtube. She has the most awesomest blog at welcometomybrain.net. She's saved my tushie more than once and didn't even know (until last night) that I existed. She makes dreds look plush and living in a trailer park chic.

When I first found out that E had RAD, I asked a friend who has an adopted son who also has it for some help. She gave me a program by Nancy Thomas. It was what I needed at the time. I found some of her techniques a little harsh, but I figured "I have a brain. I can use what I feel will work and ignore the rest." My parenting came miles and so did my little dimple face. Unfortunately, I needed some "booster shots" as I encountered different behaviors, and that program was of no help. I drug my husband to a training on RAD at the Department of Human Services, and the speaker intoduced us to Christine via Youtube. I was in love. He showed us her vid on "When our children get stuck." I had used some of the same techniques, but it was great to get the validation that I was on the right track. When we got home from the training, I pulled up all of her videos and watched them. I was up until after 2:00, but it was worth it. I have since followed her blog and found other blogs from other trama mamas, and they have become my "silent mentors."

Last night, after reading her blog, I decided to send her a message on facebook. I accidentally hit "friend" instead of "message." so I quickly sent her a message thanking her for being such an inspiration. Big surprise, she accepted my friendship request, and answered my message. I was thrilled. I realize that she does not believe she is a celebrity, but in my eyes (heart and mind,) she is a star. Thanks Christine! You'll never know how much you mean to me and my family.

Extra, Extra, Read All About It!

And the breaking news in the Mom of 5 household is: I'm going back to school!! I'm so excited. I plan to double major in Human Services and Phychology. Since I already have an AA and several credits more at a 4 year institution, I should be finished in less than two years. A went with me to the initial visit. She was so excited that she got to see "Mommy's school." She wanted to know who my teacher was and when I had recess. After we left, she was insistant that I get a backpack. What a goofball! I will not start until atleast May. If I can't get the financial aid I need, I'll have to wait until September. All is good. I'm just glad I can start at all.

More breaking news: Hubby is losing weight. He has done exceptionally well on the new eating plan. I haven't done a well as I would like, but it's better than it was. I'm actually surprised that he is doing so well. His attitude is still not the best, but it will get better.

We had our land line shut off in November, and went exclusively to cellphones. Unfortunately, I forgot to give birth mom (M) my cell number. She finally wrote me a letter and included her phone number. After months of no contact, we had a nice visit with her today. She really is a good person, just made some bad choices. As B says, "She's our Mother. You're our Mommy." I can live with that.

E has never met her father, but her grandparents contacted DHS when she was first placed with us. We have since gotten to know them and fallen completely in love with them. They are some of the most incredible people I have ever met. They treat all of us like family and that is what we consider them. E has a little problem sharing them, but she will always be special to them. The fact that they are letting us be a part of all of this is a huge bonus for us. We called them tonight just to let them know we were eating at their favorite resturant. They took it just like any other family member would have, "Sure, rub it in!" We love you guys so much!!!!!!!

We're re-doing our kitchen. Just some new paint and cabinet hardware, but it's the first time we've done anything to it since we moved in 11 years ago. I'm getting itchy just waiting for it to be finished. Of course, having the fridge in the dining room makes meal prep a little more challenging, like I need more challenges!

Finances are REALLY tight lately. We've been living off of our adoptions subsidy since before Christmas. Bills are getting paid, but there's not much left after that. We used our tax refund for the paint for the kitchen. That's about all we got back. I'm not complaining. I'm just writing this to prove to myself that we can live on this meager income. When I graduate and get a great job, we'll be able to breathe a little and put some money away for a rainy day. I could never picture us with a savings, but now I can. Life is good!