Everyone has heard of selective hearing. If a child asks to go to the park and Mom answers, "Maybe we'll go later," the child hears "We'll go." A child with RAD interprets that as, "Maybe means 'no.' We never get to go anywhere. I have the meanest mom in the world." "We'll see," or "We'll talk about it later," garners the same response. We were at my daughter's counselor's office a week ago, and I had mentioned her constant attention seeking. I told her that what she had to say was important, but if I was busy, she needed to wait until I had time to fully listen to her. She looked at her counselor, moved her head in that snotty little way that always pushes my buttons, and said, "So you're saying, I'm not important." Her counselor was agast. "Did you not listen to a word your mother said?" She made her repeat what I had said, and it actually took my daughter a few minutes to realize that I was actually telling her that she was important, but some things had to be done right away, and somethings could wait. When we got home from the appointment, my son, D, was choking and was trying to get the piece of food out by standing over the toilet, while I tried to "gag" him with my finger (it's okay-- it happens a lot, and the doctor approves this method.) My daughter burst into the bathroom and demanded that D leave so she could take her shower. I asked her what was more important, her shower or her brother's ability to breathe. She said they were equally important and that he'd better hurry up because she was on a schedule. Not sure if this is selective hearing or twisting a breadstick into a pretzel.
My kids also have selective sight, taste, touch, and smell. My two youngest will step over a million toys to pick up a molecule of lint and demand that it be thrown away immediately because it's "gross." My oldest daughter will take 2 seconds to sweep the floor in the evening, then complain that she just stepped on a piece of cereal from that morning's breakfast. On the positive side, they do notice when you've spent a lot of time cleaning something up. We had the van detailed and my daughter, B, got in and said, "Wow, Dad. The van is really clean. Did you take it through the car wash?" I recently cleaned our bedroom after 2 years of it being the dumping ground for everything no one knew where else put. Not quite bad enough for "Clean House," but close. The kids won't stay out of it now. "Mommy, it's so pretty in here!" Makes it all worthwhile!
I suppose all parents go through the "eating" thing. Loved it last time, but won't touch it this time. My daughter will inform me ahead of time that she won't like something, and I'd better make her something else. I tell her, "Okay. I'll make you breakfast in the morning." She's never gone without eating a meal. Because of the neglect they all suffered with their birth mom, Each of my adopted children has "food issues." One pockets food in his cheek to eat later, one steals food so she always has something to eat, one was so used to eating only one meal a day that she eats one huge meal and barely touches the other two, and the other one eats very quickly so she sure to get the most food. Even after being with us almost 3 years, they still often revert back to their survival modes.
Touch is very selective with neglected children (or so I found out the hard way.) Our kids never had clothes that were machine washed. The oldest washed them in the sink using bar soap. The first few times they wore clothes washed in detergent and softener, they all had a reaction. Not a full rash, just red skin. This lasted a week or two, and we haven't had a problem since. One of my daughters is hypersensitive. A certain blanket, some clothes, even some stuffed toys feel "yucky" to her. Tags in clothes drive her insane. We questioned Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder, or Asperger's, but her doctor says she doesn't display enough other symptoms to diagnose either disorder. It's not a direct symptom of RAD, but it is a behavior sometimes exhibited by a child with it. And the fun never ends!!
They say that smell is the sense that triggers the most memories. The smell of urine and feces did not bother my three youngest for a long time. They sat in wet, dirty diapers so often that they were immune to the smell. Sometimes, they'll smell something that reminds them of their past, and they'll take about it, so in a way, smell is theraputic for them. Some smells that I really like, trigger a bad memory for them. We never know what will set them off.
My kids are growing and healing so much lately. They've taught me so much. Reality is selective. It all comes down to what you are comfortable with. No one ever met their needs, so they did it themselves or did without. Now their needs are more than met, and they are overwhelmed. Change is so hard, but if we do it together, we can do it.
I think I'm selectively tired. When I'm tired, it's time for the kids to go to bed!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Challenges, challenges
My 4 year old son, C, told me, "When I grow up, I want to be a Tinkerbelle and work at Casey's." Something tells me RAD is not going to be my only parenting challenge.
Awhile back, our 10 year old was throwing one of her famous two-hour long tantrums. My husband had had enough and walked away from the situation. As he passed our 3 year old daughter, she said, "Is E pushing your buttons again, Dad?"
B has been celebrating her last day of school for a week. This morning in church she asked, "Is this the last day of Church?"
D doesn't talk, but he gets the point across. He had a cast on for 10 weeks following a recent surgery. Two weeks before he got it off, he started a coundown using the calendar. The he would sign "bath" and "bike."
Awhile back, our 10 year old was throwing one of her famous two-hour long tantrums. My husband had had enough and walked away from the situation. As he passed our 3 year old daughter, she said, "Is E pushing your buttons again, Dad?"
B has been celebrating her last day of school for a week. This morning in church she asked, "Is this the last day of Church?"
D doesn't talk, but he gets the point across. He had a cast on for 10 weeks following a recent surgery. Two weeks before he got it off, he started a coundown using the calendar. The he would sign "bath" and "bike."
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
RAD Family History 101
"Let's start at the very begining. It's a very good place to start. When you read you begin with ABC. When you sing you begin with Do Re Mi." Yes, I do randomly break out in song without warning. This time, though, I do have a point. Although, we have just begun our journey toward healing, I have to include some backround of our first few years together, to bring us up to speed to where we are now. I'll probably even include some of what I know of their history with their birth mom. It would just be rude to refer to her as BM, so I will just call her M. Which brings me to the second part of my song reference. Since this is written with the hope that sometime someone will READ this, we begin with ABC. For privacy, I will call my kids A,B,C, D, and E. I could just go down the line, oldest to youngest, but that would be predictable and so unlike me. So-- 12yo boy is D, 10yo girl is E, 5yo girl is B, 4yo boy is C, and 3yo girl is A.
B and C were placed with us first. B was almost 3 and said 6 words. She was very clingy, but when given time to get to know someone, she was very aggressive. She purposely broke every toy she touched. She had a sore that she scratched open that had become infected. M said it was over a month old. She banged her head repeatedly, and violently hit and bit herself when she was angry. She "stole" food from the table and hid it in the house so she could eat it later. She ate with her hands, was deathly afraid of bugs, and ingested every bodily secretion she could. She also NEVER slept. We could walk into her room at any time and find her awake.
C was a tiny, one and a half year old boy. He did not talk at all. From the moment he came through our door, he clung to me. He whined incessently. He was afraid of anyone and everything. He also hoarded food to eat later, or he "pocketed" it in his cheeks. He was also destructive to his toys, and would rip any book that got into his tiny hands. He barely cried when angry, and had few sleeping issues, aside from adjusting to sleeping in an actual crib. Other than diapers, clothes were not worn in their privious environment. They both hated water, and bathtime was a battle. They were never disiplined, so "no" fell on deaf ears.
As I read back through this, I wonder why we kept these kids, much less, fought very hard to get their two sisters placed in our home, too. Okay, they were cute, and funny, and when they did learn to talk, they said the most amazing things. I fell in love the moment I saw them.
When A and E were finally placed in our home, it was A who had the hardest time. She was 11 months old. At M's house, she was in her car seat most of the time. At the former foster home, she was either held or fed. When she came to us, her needs were met, she was showered with love, and she got to play with her siblings. She was not held ALL of the time, and she was fed when the other kids ate. She weighed more than her 3 year old sister, and was the most unhappy child I had ever encountered. We took lots of pictures, and we do not have any of her smiling. She screamed for hours and wanted to be held and carried, not cuddled and loved. She crawled very little at 11 months, and did not walk until she was 13 months old.
E gave us a three month "honeymoon" period. She was helpful, attentive to her siblings, eager to please at home and school, and never once talked back. Turns out, she's a major manipulator. She is an expert at being "superficially charming." She turns on the charm, then does all of these horrible things behind your back. We knew right away she had control and attention seeking issues. We never figured her for a thief and a liar. Unfortunately, when we did catch on to what she was doing, no one would support us. The school was downright rude. This sweet, attentive child could not possibly be capable of all of those horrible things, I was just a "nazi" mom. She did end up showing her true colors to her teacher this year. Best thing that could have happened. She knew the whole faculty was on to her, including the superintendant. She gave us about a week of rebellion, then seemed to settle down. We'll she how she does when she's home all the time. School lets out tomorrow.
I plan to write specific incidences, but it has taken me three days to get this post completed, so it will have to wait. I had cateract surgery today, and I'm beat. Great to be able to see so well already. I wonder-- do the eyes in the back of my head have cateracts?
B and C were placed with us first. B was almost 3 and said 6 words. She was very clingy, but when given time to get to know someone, she was very aggressive. She purposely broke every toy she touched. She had a sore that she scratched open that had become infected. M said it was over a month old. She banged her head repeatedly, and violently hit and bit herself when she was angry. She "stole" food from the table and hid it in the house so she could eat it later. She ate with her hands, was deathly afraid of bugs, and ingested every bodily secretion she could. She also NEVER slept. We could walk into her room at any time and find her awake.
C was a tiny, one and a half year old boy. He did not talk at all. From the moment he came through our door, he clung to me. He whined incessently. He was afraid of anyone and everything. He also hoarded food to eat later, or he "pocketed" it in his cheeks. He was also destructive to his toys, and would rip any book that got into his tiny hands. He barely cried when angry, and had few sleeping issues, aside from adjusting to sleeping in an actual crib. Other than diapers, clothes were not worn in their privious environment. They both hated water, and bathtime was a battle. They were never disiplined, so "no" fell on deaf ears.
As I read back through this, I wonder why we kept these kids, much less, fought very hard to get their two sisters placed in our home, too. Okay, they were cute, and funny, and when they did learn to talk, they said the most amazing things. I fell in love the moment I saw them.
When A and E were finally placed in our home, it was A who had the hardest time. She was 11 months old. At M's house, she was in her car seat most of the time. At the former foster home, she was either held or fed. When she came to us, her needs were met, she was showered with love, and she got to play with her siblings. She was not held ALL of the time, and she was fed when the other kids ate. She weighed more than her 3 year old sister, and was the most unhappy child I had ever encountered. We took lots of pictures, and we do not have any of her smiling. She screamed for hours and wanted to be held and carried, not cuddled and loved. She crawled very little at 11 months, and did not walk until she was 13 months old.
E gave us a three month "honeymoon" period. She was helpful, attentive to her siblings, eager to please at home and school, and never once talked back. Turns out, she's a major manipulator. She is an expert at being "superficially charming." She turns on the charm, then does all of these horrible things behind your back. We knew right away she had control and attention seeking issues. We never figured her for a thief and a liar. Unfortunately, when we did catch on to what she was doing, no one would support us. The school was downright rude. This sweet, attentive child could not possibly be capable of all of those horrible things, I was just a "nazi" mom. She did end up showing her true colors to her teacher this year. Best thing that could have happened. She knew the whole faculty was on to her, including the superintendant. She gave us about a week of rebellion, then seemed to settle down. We'll she how she does when she's home all the time. School lets out tomorrow.
I plan to write specific incidences, but it has taken me three days to get this post completed, so it will have to wait. I had cateract surgery today, and I'm beat. Great to be able to see so well already. I wonder-- do the eyes in the back of my head have cateracts?
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