Missing Heidi

One of my classes this term is Behavior Modification. It's a great class and the teacher is incredible. One of the things that we have been working on is finding out what causes certain behaviors and emotions and how to shape them into healthy behaviors. As I sat in class last night, I tended to "zone out" some. I was paying attention, but there was something bothering me. After class, the teacher made the comment that I was very quiet (not really out of the ordinary. I'm much better in print than I am in person.) Without even thinking I said, "A good friend died yesterday." It dawned on me that I had been thinking about her. Our neighbor and good friend died Wednesday after open heart surgery. She was in a drug-induced coma for 3 weeks before she finally passed away. She was a foster mom during the time that we had been fostering. We spent a lot of time comiserating and crying on each other's shoulder. As I thought about her, I realized, it wasn't the loss I was feeling. I was angry. I was truely "pissed off" (I very seldom use that term) that she had given up. She was few months younger than I am. She left behind a husband and three adult daughters. She lived for her family, and now she was not going to be there to share in the milestones that a mother is supposed to be a part of. I was really, REALLY mad!!

I sat in my van after spending about an hour talking to some classmates~~Thanks Ladies. It was so nice to talk to adults!!~~ I tried to rationalize away my anger. My friend had been through a lot in her 48 years. She was in a horrible car accident when her twins were just 6 months old, and she crushed her spine. She was able to walk again, but she wasn't supposed to have more kids. Then along came Heaven. She wasn't supposed to be born, hence, her name (and personality!!) Then she got cancer, and developed heart and kidney problems. When her kids graduated and left home, she and her husband became foster parents. They took in a lot of very troubled kids, but never got to realize their dream of adopting more children. She had several surgeries, and eventually, didn't survive one. I can't say she was a happy person, but she was one of the most loving and generous people I have ever known. She was tired, and she was ready. She didn't give up. She let go, and she was entitled. It was almost like I was angry so I didn't have to miss her. BINGO!! The horse has left the barn. Once I realized why I was feeling angry, I could put my feelings into perspective and allow myself to really miss her.

As the tears run down my cheeks for the first time since I heard that she had died, I can smile as I remember her as the person she truely was, a beautiful, loving, giving, perfectly flawed friend. Goodbye Heidi, and thank you!