Stuff That Worked!!

A while back, I joined a "super secret" group on facebook for mothers who parent trauma. Most of these moms are struggling greatly with the life that chose them. Though I know none of these women personally (atleast, not until Orlando!!,) my heart aches for each one of them. A year ago, I was where they are. I could never have dreamed we'd be this far already. Yet, some days, I feel like we're back at square one again. Thankfully, those days are getting fewer, and the happiness is drifting back into our family.

I wanted to make a list of things that have worked for us. I realize that each child is different, and each situation, unique, but hopefully there will at least a few of these things that will work. And hopefully, some of these precious ladies will take the time to read this post.

1. Research, research, reasearch!! There are tons of great RAD websites, blogs, books, and videos out there. I am partial to Christine Moers, Nancy Thomas, Corey Waters, and House Calls Counseling. There are a bunch of blogs I follow regularly. Check my blogs at the bottom. When I get computer saavy, I will post these as a link, but since that will take about as long as it will take the 49ers to win another super bowl (die hard fan!!,) this will have to do.

2. Trigger words- When the kids start to ask nonsense questions, we use the word "elephant" in a sentence, ie: "Mommy, is that your pop?" "No, sweetie. It's the elephant's pop." Then, I ignore any nonsense question after that. Even my 4-year-old caught on pretty quickly. E gets really excited (obnoxiously so) quite easily, so we use the word "eclipse." Because she really wants to heal, this will stop her in her tracks. We change it up for the holidays, ie: Halloween is gobblin, Chirstmas is Holly, Thanksgiving is gobble, and making 4-H projects is just stop that before I hot glue your lips shut-- actually it is clover. She likes to pick the word and it really does work for her. My 6-year-old likes "bellybutton." Have fun with it. If it doesn't work, give it time. It took several sessions of eye rolling and "Uh! Mom!!" before it worked for my cheribim.

3. Sing!! Doesn't matter what, just belt it out! I love to sing heavy metal songs with an opera melody, out of tune, of course. Any song with the word "eyes" in it is great for eye contact. "My Eyes Adored You", Eye of the Tiger", "Angel Eyes", etc. Nothing stops a meltdown in public like singing "Bohemian Rapsody" in the middle of Target, you know, the "Mama Mia" part! "Stairway to Heaven" is equally obnoxious.

4. Catch them off guard. My favorite response to my daughter's meltdown and subsiquent "I hate you" was "Wait! Can you say that with a southern accent? I Hate You- exagerated drawl. How about a Brittish accent? I say gov'ner. I hate you. How about alien? Beep, beep, beep." It only worked once, but I didn't hear "I hate you" for a long time.

5. Grab the video camera. Nothing shuts down a tantrum like getting hard evidence. Never even had to turn it on.

Body is shutting down. Too many hours of 4-H projects and 3 pans of cookies to make tomorrow before judging at 2:00. I will continue my list soon. Hope for blues, be satisfied to get them all finished.

It's All in the Way You Look at It

We've all heard about how to tell if you are an optimist or pestimist by judging the glass half full or half empty. Well, I used to fall into a third category-- It was always a half a glass. I guess that could be described as complacency. Oh well, this is what life handed me and it's never gonna change. As I've gotten older, I've gotten fiestier. Life doesn't hand me anything. If I want it, I've got to get it myself.

I first realized I possessed this strength when I was diagnosed with a heart condition. I was told I needed a heart transplant. I fought it, I prayed, and I found a new doctor who tried a different medication. Twenty two years later, I'm still here.

When my son was diagnosed with Neuronal Migratory Disorder, that fighting spirit came out again. I was told by an expert in the field to "Take him home and love him because he won't be worth anything." I was also told that I had caused his condition by something I did when I was pregnant. After the initial shock wore off, I did everything I could to help my son. He is walking, attending regular classes, with the exception of reading and math which are modified, and he is one of the coolest kids around. When I took him to a different doctor, he ordered a bunch of tests for D. I will never forget sitting in his office when he looked at the brain scan. He looked at the results, then looked at D. Then, he stared in disbelief at me. "Whatever you are doing with this child keep it up." He said smiling. He showed me the paper with the results on it. It said the patient would most likely live in a vegitative state. I checked the name on the top of the sheet. Yeah, it was my son. His brain was a mess. He should have been in a vegitative state. When I asked him how he was doing as well as he was, he replied, "He's a determined little guy, and he's got an incredible momma." Pretty high praise coming from an actual "Brain Surgeon."

I knew I had the potential for extreme strength, but nothing brought it out more than when two of my kids were diagnosed with RAD. I searched the internet for weeks looking for ways to parent my little ones. I read books, watched videos, and devoured a 10 DVD training session in three days. What I found was, my kids couldn't change (heal, grow, evolve, etc) without me changing (healing, et al) first. I concentrated on myself, not my children. I paid attention to how I responded to their actions. I forced myself to be happy, even when my child was melting into a huge, gooey pile of confusion. I tried to approach everything, and I do mean everything, with a a positive attitude. Sure, a lot of times, I reverted back to the yelling and the punishing, but for the most part, I kept everything upbeat and happy, even goofy. My kids responded. They healed, a lot!! E started doing her homework, and helping out around the house. B struggles with her other diagnoses (Aspergers, OCD, ADHD,) but that is mostly because I have not figured out how to parent her muti-dimentional issues. I'm getting there, but not where I want to be, yet. I use a lot of humor and unexpected responses to "head off" the behaviors. When the three little ones are playing on the floor and they start to fight, I'll throw myself in the middle of everything and sing (very loudly and off-key) "My eyes adored you, la la la la la la la, My eyes adored you." Those are the only words I know, but they are effective. I'm really creative, and I get to use that creativity to parent my kids. I'm actually having a blast. That's not to say that I don't lose it once in a while, I do, but I just mentally imagine myself in a bikini, and I start to laugh. When I do get time to myself, I try to do only things that recharge my spirit and bring me bliss (there's that word again!!) My wardrobe is made up of bliss skirts, yummy shoes, kalidascopic tops, and "squishy comfy" pants. I sing with the window down in my van. Sometimes I choose to use my beautiful voice, and sometimes I don't. Depends on who's listening and what response I want from them. Some nights, I spend hours on the internet looking for great craft blogs and free downloads of my favorite games. I still have a tendency to let myself get run-down, but I just have to make that conscious "switch" to the positive side of my brain, and I can hit the floor running again. My glass is not half empty, half a glass, or even half full. My glass is over flowing because I've found a way to keep filling it up. RAD really does suck, but it has made me a more heavenly person, and for that, I am eternally grateful.

Missing Heidi

One of my classes this term is Behavior Modification. It's a great class and the teacher is incredible. One of the things that we have been working on is finding out what causes certain behaviors and emotions and how to shape them into healthy behaviors. As I sat in class last night, I tended to "zone out" some. I was paying attention, but there was something bothering me. After class, the teacher made the comment that I was very quiet (not really out of the ordinary. I'm much better in print than I am in person.) Without even thinking I said, "A good friend died yesterday." It dawned on me that I had been thinking about her. Our neighbor and good friend died Wednesday after open heart surgery. She was in a drug-induced coma for 3 weeks before she finally passed away. She was a foster mom during the time that we had been fostering. We spent a lot of time comiserating and crying on each other's shoulder. As I thought about her, I realized, it wasn't the loss I was feeling. I was angry. I was truely "pissed off" (I very seldom use that term) that she had given up. She was few months younger than I am. She left behind a husband and three adult daughters. She lived for her family, and now she was not going to be there to share in the milestones that a mother is supposed to be a part of. I was really, REALLY mad!!

I sat in my van after spending about an hour talking to some classmates~~Thanks Ladies. It was so nice to talk to adults!!~~ I tried to rationalize away my anger. My friend had been through a lot in her 48 years. She was in a horrible car accident when her twins were just 6 months old, and she crushed her spine. She was able to walk again, but she wasn't supposed to have more kids. Then along came Heaven. She wasn't supposed to be born, hence, her name (and personality!!) Then she got cancer, and developed heart and kidney problems. When her kids graduated and left home, she and her husband became foster parents. They took in a lot of very troubled kids, but never got to realize their dream of adopting more children. She had several surgeries, and eventually, didn't survive one. I can't say she was a happy person, but she was one of the most loving and generous people I have ever known. She was tired, and she was ready. She didn't give up. She let go, and she was entitled. It was almost like I was angry so I didn't have to miss her. BINGO!! The horse has left the barn. Once I realized why I was feeling angry, I could put my feelings into perspective and allow myself to really miss her.

As the tears run down my cheeks for the first time since I heard that she had died, I can smile as I remember her as the person she truely was, a beautiful, loving, giving, perfectly flawed friend. Goodbye Heidi, and thank you!

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

I love that moment after complete strife when you can take a deep sigh and the whole world lifts from your shoulders. I'd been weighted down with so much muck, that I had forgotten what it was like to "breathe easy." I know that the life that has chosen me will never be easy, but I feel like I've been given a "stay of execution." There were many times I wasn't sure we were going to survive.

A couple of times a year, I tend to let the stress build up until I become physically sick. Last Wednesday was one of those times. I'd spent every waking hour (many that shouldn't have been "waking hours") either studying, going to class, or meeting the infinite needs of my family. I needed a break and between the three areas, I wasn't going to get one. When I woke up Wednesday morning, I felt like dirt. I ached all over, had chills, and vomited everything I ate. My husband very reluctantly canceled his plans for the day, and I went back to bed. At about 11:30, he woke me saying, "I have good news, But since it's Wednesday, let's go to the chuch to see if we can get some food to last us until the end of the month. I'll tell you what the good news is on the way there. Our church has a program for people who need extra help with food, gas, etc. and they are only there on Wednesdays. We got the kids ready and got in the van. My head was still spinning, and my stomach was queasy, but I knew we needed some help to make it until the end of the month. On the way there, my husband told me he was approved for disability. Finally, the light at the end of the tunnel isn't an oncoming train. I hate that he had to file for disability, but he can no longer work, and I can't find a job, so we had to do something. We aren't the type of people who abuse this kind of help, so I guess I just need to forget my pride, and thank the Lord that we are getting the income we so desperately need. The chuch helped us enough that we will make it until we get his first check. I am eternally grateful.

The next day, I felt better. I was able to get my homework done and a friend watched the kids so I could have a little time to myself before class. I got to go shopping at Goodwill, my favorite store, and I spent about an hour getting things set for next term at school. It was then that I found out that I have a 4.0 in both of my classes. I'm so excited. I've never had a 4.0 in my life. Of course, I've never worked as hard as I have to get it, either. I'm so glad I decided to go back to school. My idea to start services for families with children who have attachment issues will hopefully be a reality in the near future!

E went to a friend's for the weekend. D went to Grandma and Grandpa's, so we only have the three youngest. They went to bed by 8:30, so we had a terrific evening together. We don't do that nearly as often as we need to.

Looks like I won't have to scrimp and save as much as I thought to pay for my way to Orlando. He will get a large lump sum for back pay, so I can finally get a stove that has more than one burner that works, and it doesn't shock you when you use a metal spoon. We'll probably never be able to get our savings back to where it was before I quit my job to take care of the kids, and hubby lost his job (over two years, now,) but at least things have lightened up a lot in just a few days. Man! I wish I could lose weight in my hips that fast!!

Trauma Mamma Heaven

Since I want to start services for families dealing with attachment disorder in this area, I have started doing a lot more research on the web. I'm getting some good "info" from the scholared experts, but you just can't beat learning from a first hand trauma mamma. I've followed several blogs for awhile now, but I add a few more "gotta reads" almost every day. I like me some "RAD Dads," but mothers of attachment challenged children are phenomenal!! Even when they "suck," they rock. Just the fact that they drag themselves out of bed every morning and survive to crawl back in bed at night is a feat unto itself. I am a trauma mamma. By that very admission, I am a woman of incredible strength, charecter, love, creativity, and spirit. I may not feel that way even half of the time, but I am. I can slap any derrogatory discription I can think of on myself, but they cannot outshine the qualities I posess simply because I am a trauma mamma.

I wish that I could reach through the computer and hug each and every mother who parents trauma. I wish I could tell them how incredible they are and that no matter how much it stinks to have to go through it, they are such a gift. I have learned so much just from reading about their lives. Oh, how I long to meet some of these special women in person, just to bask in their wonderfulness.

Ask and ye shall recieve!! For the past two years, there has been a retreat in Orlando, Florida for mothers of traumatized children. Since neither my husband nor I work, I never even dared to dream about going. On one of the blogs I follow, there was an application for a scholarship to attend the third annual retreat in Orlando. I never thought I could ever qualify, but I figured, "What the heck," so I applied. A day later, I found out that I had been accepted. All I need to do is come up with the airfare, and the first weekend in March, I am Orlando-bound. To say that coming up with the transportation money is going to be easy would be a lie, but I'm going to get it if I have to add on to my student loan to do it. I'm even learning to hoop and training for the 5k fun run. I feel guilty spending money we could use for food or bills on myself, or taking time away from my kids, when doing so will cause major upsets, behaviors, and meltdowns (oh, my!) I keep thinking that I am so selfish for even thinking about going. Then I look in the mirror and say, "you gorgeous mamma. You so deserve to go to Orlando and spend time with the most incredible women on this planet." Hey! I have until March to start believing it. Got my sunblock and my shades-- let the basking begin!!

Just when I think It's Gonna Be Okay...

I really thought things were going to take a turn for the better for our family. I'm back in school and loving it. I've learned so much already, and I really hope I can figure out how to get the RAD support desperately needed for this area after I graduate. D, A, and C seem to be doing great. We still have some issues, but it's more due to age and stage rather than disabilities. Then we have B and E. I'd be safer in the Islandic volcano than in my own home. E informed me tonight that she has a mother and I will never be that mother. I'm abusive and I hate her, and the only reason we adopted her is to "show off." There were some other equally "sweet" things that were said, but, gosh, a Mom's gotta keep some of these "treasures" to herself. I recently friended her birth mom on facebook, and a bunch of relatives came out of the woodwork to friend her (E). She is so fragile right now. and M is so mentally unstable, (she listed E as her daughter on fb. She gave birth to 4 other children, but she only listed E.) She's actually the most sane of all of them. I do not want her to forget her past, it is part of who she is. We have an open adoption for a reason, but her extended relatives are not healthy contacts for her right now. She is also telling all of her friends that we abuse all of our children. We know that is not true, but the other 750+ people in this town don't. We have documentation that she makes false accusations, but we shouldn't have to resort to that. So far, DHS has not shown up at our door, so we are hoping to ride this storm out in privacy.

Then we come to little B. She is the cutest, cuddliest girl, but her behaviors make her about as apealing as a dung heap. She is so destructive and defiant. I am so emotionally exhausted trying to parent this child. I have thought about a residential placement for her because her behavior is so disruptive for the rest of the family, especially E. She's only 6. I want to hold her and tell her that we can just "love" all of this away, but we can't. My husband has no clue on how to parent her, and I just a step above him. It's got to stop, but I have no idea how we can make it. Hopefully, we can get her in to the behavioral clinic in Iowa City soon. Otherwise, my only other option is make do and muddle through. I don't like to muddle. I like to soar and make sure that my children can too.

What's that Lassie? E fell in a well?

This is the "healing face of RAD." Just kidding!!

E has earned some privledges the last few weeks. She even got the coveted "stay overnight at a friend's house" reward(?) last Friday. The girl she stayed with seems to be a great influence on her. She's responsible and respectful. I felt cofortable letting her stay with her. Usually, I'm concerned for the friend. E loves to control everything, especially her peers (huh! Imagine that!!) She doesn't seem to do this with this girl.

She stayed overnight on Thursday, and I was going to pick her up at 2:00 on Friday afternoon. At 1:30, we got a call from her friend saying E had fallen in a ditch and had hit her head. They wanted to know if they should take her to the hospital or bring her home. E cries "wolf" a lot, so I decided to have them bring her home. If it was bad enough to take her to the ER, I wanted to be the one to do it. It was bad enough. The poor little thing looked terrible. Her face was all scraped up and her eye was swollen shut. She hadn't fallen in a ditch. She fell in a well. They were having an Easter egg hunt, and she stepped on a board to get an egg, not knowing that it was covering an old cistern-type well. She fell through and landed in about two foot of water. The well was about eight foot deep, and she had to be lifted out. She held it together until she saw me, then she lost it. Her birth mom always scared her when she had to go to the doctor, so she has a terrible fear of anything medical. Luckily, the nurse was one of her classmates' moms, so she was a little more relaxed. She was okay, just bruised and sore. I did really well until I started thinking about how it could have turned out. I can't imagine life without my little dimple face. Her guardian angel was working overtime that day. She's doing great, but I can't figure out why she gets mad when people ask what happened and I answer, "Well..."

It's Better and It's Not-- Welcome to RAD Parenting 101

I really thought things were getting better with my husband. He was starting to control his anger and the swearing. For some reason, he cannot control the "nit-picking." I didn't stack the dishes right for him to do dishes tonight. He thought that E should be able to do two days of dishes by herself and get a shower in half an hour. He knows that she hates doing dishes more than pretty much anything, so that is the job he chooses for her when he wants to make her mad. I don't understand the deliberately ticking someone off tactic. He also likes to set her up to fail. I like bliss. There's a new bridal shop in a nearby town called Bliss, and I sooo want to steal the sign. The fact that it is less than a mile from the Highway Patrol office might be a huge deturrant, along with the fact that I actually have an over-active concience. My goal is to defuse any potential explosion with the least amount of spark while still maintaining a backbone. I don't give in to avoid conflict. I redirect, I joke, I speak with compassion without folding, I pick my nose (that one gets them almost everytime, LOL) I am blessed with a very creative personality. I can defuse E almost 95% of the time, if my husband doesn't jump in and try to control the situation. She tells me she loves me all the time, and I am starting to think she understands what she is saying. She is making so much progress when I am doing the parenting. When my husband steps in, she reverts back to ground zero. She hates herself when she does that, but he pushes her buttons as much as she pushes his. It's a power struggle and a lose/ lose situation. I've used my complete theraputic partenting arsenal on my husband, but it does not work. He believes that punishment and ridicule is the only way to parent. I have total faith that my expert parenting technique (okay- my stubborness) will win out with him in the end, and we will be able to parent our cherubim to a life of love and acceptance. I'm just getting tired, and really question if 23 years of sobriety is enough!! Getting really excited about going back to school. There's so much potential in this area for attachment disorder services. I don't feel I'll ever be an expert, but I don't want any parent to go through what I did when my kids were first diagnosed. No parent should have to diagnose their own children and fight with social services and the school system to prove there is something wrong with the way they are dealing with this child. It's so lonely parenting attachment disorder anyway. There needs to be someone in there corner from the beginning. My husband's surgery is rescheduled for the 7th. He started getting more cars to work on so we could get a little more income, and now he will have to turn them down so he can have the surgery. It's a good thing that his diabetes is under control, but we needed a little more time to get some money coming in so we won't fall behind. I know we'll be okay. Just need more hard work and prayer! A very dear friend of mine passed away last week. I did not find out until the day after the funeral. It has been very difficult for me, because she was so special and I could not be there in the end. I know she understands, I'm just having a hard time forgiving myself. Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire. This post sure makes me sound like a martyer (I'll spell it right later.) I have that tendency anyway. I have a genetic predisposition to it, thanks to my mother. I once joked to her that all of the women in her family thought they were martyers. She just smiled and said, "We don't think we are. We know." Gotta love that. I'm not looking for someone to tell me what an incredible job I am doing. I'm trying to convince myself that it's okay to feel that I'm doing a good job. I can do this! My family is worth it, and so am I.

Co-Parenting-- Is it Just a Dream?

My husband and I got along so well, it's scary. We have waaaay too much fun together. I'm the visionary and he is the builder. I imagined our house with a wrap-around deck. I told him what I wanted, and he built it. We finish each other's sentences. We have a bazillion inside jokes. It drives the kids crazy when we start to hysterically laugh at something that, to them, is not funny. He is my best friend, and I dream of growing old and fat with him (okay, so we're already there. Older and fatter, LOL!) He knew that my biggest dream was to marry my best friend and have a bunch of kids. Dream realized.

Unfortunately, we differ greatly on our idea of what is the best way to parent our cherubim. We were both raised on spanking, punishing, and chores. We raised our biological son the same way. Fortunately for us, he did not have many disapline issues. He is respectful and loving. In spite of (or maybe because of) his disabilities, he is a people magnet. People are just drawn to him. He's been on the honor roll since 5th grade. He is never bored and he finishes everything he starts. For the most part, he's extreamly honest and caring.

Enter adopted children. They lie. They break everything. They steal. They cheat. They refuse to put any effort into anything. They MUST be in control. They never help out without having a tantrum. They have attachment issues, two with RAD. They cannot be parented like other children. Punishment and spanking do not work. I have done everything I can to find out how to parent kids with attachment issues. I read articles on RAD, I keep up on trama mama blogs, I attend seminars, and I have attended all but one therapy session with the kids. He went to that one therapy session and he went to one seminar. He thinks that punishing them more is what will change their behavior. He thinks if he hits them, they will stop what they are doing, and they won't do it again. He think that if the kids are scared, they will stop misbehaving. His methods have only made things worse, but he continues to try to parent them this way. I'm not saying my way is the only way, but I am getting the desired results. The kids are not perfect. It will be a long healing process. I understand this. He wants immediate results. Time to use trama parenting on the tramatized parent.

After he got done screaming, pounding his fist into the table, calling our daughter a little son of a %&*$#, and threatening to call a group home to put her in because "It's either her or me." I decided I'd wait until the kids were in school to approach him. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted us to have the best family we possibly could. I told him that sometimes he amazed me with how good he was with the kids. I complimented him on many areas. Then, I said I could no longer alow him to threaten our children and call them names. He had to see that I am getting results with the way I am parenting and he is not. I asked him how he expected the kids not to swear, hit, break things, and mouth off when he can't do it. He sat quietly and listened. I tried very hard not to belittle him or lecture. I ended with, "I know WE can have the most incredible family if WE just work together and help our children heal without punishing, threatening, or hitting them. I am willing to do everything I can to make it happen. Now it's up to you. I love you more than I can say." The ball's in his court. Time will tell what his decision is.

Celebrity Status

I've met quite a few celebrities in my time. When I lived in New York, we had several who were regulars at the grocery store I worked at. They say the camera adds 10 pounds, but after running into (litterally) Mark Gastinau, former New York Jets player in the produce isle, I don't see how he could be any bigger. That man was a walking wall, and very polite. He appolgized for my running into him, LOL! I've met members of Stryper, Guardian, Whitecross, Twisted Sister, racecar driver Kenny Wallace, and drag bike racer Reggie Showers. Strangely, I met all of these people when I really needed their influence. I actually prayed with Oz Fox of Stryper and Tony Palacios of Guardian. How cool is that?! I admire these people, not because they are "stars," but because they took the time to reach out to me. I thank God for each of these special, albiet brief encounters. All of this pales in comparison to the message I got last night. Christine Moers friended me on facebook and even took the time to answer a message I sent her.

Who is Christine Moers, you ask. Only the person I want to be when I grow up, but since I'm a few hundred years older than she is, that is not likely. She is the "Yoda" of trama parenting. She's got the coolest sense of humor and as far as parenting RAD-- she just gets it! She's got the best videos on theraputic parenting on Youtube. She has the most awesomest blog at welcometomybrain.net. She's saved my tushie more than once and didn't even know (until last night) that I existed. She makes dreds look plush and living in a trailer park chic.

When I first found out that E had RAD, I asked a friend who has an adopted son who also has it for some help. She gave me a program by Nancy Thomas. It was what I needed at the time. I found some of her techniques a little harsh, but I figured "I have a brain. I can use what I feel will work and ignore the rest." My parenting came miles and so did my little dimple face. Unfortunately, I needed some "booster shots" as I encountered different behaviors, and that program was of no help. I drug my husband to a training on RAD at the Department of Human Services, and the speaker intoduced us to Christine via Youtube. I was in love. He showed us her vid on "When our children get stuck." I had used some of the same techniques, but it was great to get the validation that I was on the right track. When we got home from the training, I pulled up all of her videos and watched them. I was up until after 2:00, but it was worth it. I have since followed her blog and found other blogs from other trama mamas, and they have become my "silent mentors."

Last night, after reading her blog, I decided to send her a message on facebook. I accidentally hit "friend" instead of "message." so I quickly sent her a message thanking her for being such an inspiration. Big surprise, she accepted my friendship request, and answered my message. I was thrilled. I realize that she does not believe she is a celebrity, but in my eyes (heart and mind,) she is a star. Thanks Christine! You'll never know how much you mean to me and my family.

Extra, Extra, Read All About It!

And the breaking news in the Mom of 5 household is: I'm going back to school!! I'm so excited. I plan to double major in Human Services and Phychology. Since I already have an AA and several credits more at a 4 year institution, I should be finished in less than two years. A went with me to the initial visit. She was so excited that she got to see "Mommy's school." She wanted to know who my teacher was and when I had recess. After we left, she was insistant that I get a backpack. What a goofball! I will not start until atleast May. If I can't get the financial aid I need, I'll have to wait until September. All is good. I'm just glad I can start at all.

More breaking news: Hubby is losing weight. He has done exceptionally well on the new eating plan. I haven't done a well as I would like, but it's better than it was. I'm actually surprised that he is doing so well. His attitude is still not the best, but it will get better.

We had our land line shut off in November, and went exclusively to cellphones. Unfortunately, I forgot to give birth mom (M) my cell number. She finally wrote me a letter and included her phone number. After months of no contact, we had a nice visit with her today. She really is a good person, just made some bad choices. As B says, "She's our Mother. You're our Mommy." I can live with that.

E has never met her father, but her grandparents contacted DHS when she was first placed with us. We have since gotten to know them and fallen completely in love with them. They are some of the most incredible people I have ever met. They treat all of us like family and that is what we consider them. E has a little problem sharing them, but she will always be special to them. The fact that they are letting us be a part of all of this is a huge bonus for us. We called them tonight just to let them know we were eating at their favorite resturant. They took it just like any other family member would have, "Sure, rub it in!" We love you guys so much!!!!!!!

We're re-doing our kitchen. Just some new paint and cabinet hardware, but it's the first time we've done anything to it since we moved in 11 years ago. I'm getting itchy just waiting for it to be finished. Of course, having the fridge in the dining room makes meal prep a little more challenging, like I need more challenges!

Finances are REALLY tight lately. We've been living off of our adoptions subsidy since before Christmas. Bills are getting paid, but there's not much left after that. We used our tax refund for the paint for the kitchen. That's about all we got back. I'm not complaining. I'm just writing this to prove to myself that we can live on this meager income. When I graduate and get a great job, we'll be able to breathe a little and put some money away for a rainy day. I could never picture us with a savings, but now I can. Life is good!

Warball, Anyone?

Remember that game you always played in junior high where the two teams face off from oppisite sides of the gym? There's about 15 playground balls, and you throw them at the other team. You have to try to hit the other players with the ball before they touch the floor. If you catch it, the thrower is out and you get to bring a teammate who was out back into the game. Most people call it dodge ball or gym ball. At my school, we called it "Warball." These last few weeks, my life has been a constant game of warball. I've been pretty good at dodging the ball. Sometimes, I can actually feel it pass my head, but I've never gotten out. I even caught a few balls and stayed in the game when it wasn't looking like I had a chance. I was pretty good at warball in school. I guess the "skill" stayed with me.

My husband was supposed to have carpal tunnel surgery yesterday. The day before, the doctor's office called and said they had to cancel the surgery because his blood sugar was too high. The doctor wanted to see him the next day. I went with him, mostly because I have worked forever in the medical field, and I know what questions to ask. You guessed it. He has adult onset diabetes. He was floored. I was surprised they didn't diagnose it years ago. The doctor discussed his meds and the diet. My husband was not too thrilled. Me? I'm so excited!! Now we both have a reason to eat right. He has to learn what is healthy, and since I refuse to cook different things for the same meal, I have to eat right, too. This is what I have been praying for. I'm not saying that I wanted my husband to have diabetes. I wanted to get this family on a healthy diet so we can spend as many years together as possible. Now, he has to listen to the doctor, and I have to make it as easy as possible. If that means eating healthier, I'm all for it. WHAP!! I caught that ball!

E has been wanting to spend more time with her friends. She has some great girls in her class, and I would love for them to be a positve influence on her. Unfortunately, she has really gone backwards in her healing since I had my famous meltdown. I have never heard a child mouth-off (or as Supernanny says, backchat) like she does. She absolutely has to have the last word, whether she's a part of the conversation or not. She is growing into a beautiful, talented, caring child, but her mouth seems to be posessed by an evil troll. She also apparently thinks she is exempt from doing homework. We have been really working on the homework, but the backchat is getting worse. Monday, she came home from school wanting to go to a sleepover at a friend's house. She told her friend that she wasn't sure if she could come because she would have to do all of her homework and not mouth-off for the rest of the week. Her friend says, "Well, duh!! You should be able to do that all the time!" I knew there was something I liked about that girl! My husband and I decided she was not ready for the sleepover, but if she worked really hard the rest of the week, she could go home with her on the bus and I could pick her up in a few hours. She was NOT happy about this. She tried to throw a fit, but she maintained control. She tried to bargain with me, but I'm like a brick wall, immovable. She finally decided that some playtime is better than none. I still wasn't sure she could go. She had a few "ify" moments this week, but for the most part, she really worked hard on her homework and her attitude. She was so excited this morning when I told her she could go. When she got to school, her friend told her she couldn't come over because there was a change in plans. She'd have to reschedule the sleepover. I'm hoping it's not for about a month. If E keeps doing as well as she has this last week, she'll be ready for that sleepover. WHOOSH! Dodged that ball.

Had to teach a lesson in religion class that I really did not feel knowlegable enough to teach. Thanks to the internet, (and my singing voice,) ZAP! Caught that ball. I hate running errands on a schecule. B and E both broke their glasses. D's leg braces needed to be flaired. Husband had his pre-op physical (the one that probably saved his life.) C needed to be picked up from preschool at 1:30, and the sitter didn't get there until 10:30. Dropped the braces off, walked across the street to get the glasses fixed, picked up the braces, drove 45 minutes to pick up C. Husband went alone to doctor's. Had no gas left in the van, but ZIP! Caught that ball. I dodged a few other balls in the chaos of these last few weeks, but I'm still very much in the game.

I loved warball as a kid, probably because I was good at it and I knew it. Though I'd been knocked out of the game a few weeks before, these past few weeks, that feeling of confidence came back. I know I'm good at this game we call life. I can even take a bad thing and turn it around into a blessing. I have a safety net in place so I should not have another meltdown. I am getting really good at seeing the silver lining in the clouds. If I hold on to this great attitude, I'll be able to fit into that little black dress by the end of summer. Now that's a ball worth catching!

Love Is In The Air

It could have something to do with the fact that Valentine's Day is less than a week away, but I really think is has to do with my recent "breakdown" and the fact that I'M BACK!!!!!!! I'm finding I love a lot of things lately. My wonderful husband gave me a day off to myself, then took me away for the whole day Saturday. He even went to church with me. It was great. I finally feel like I can take on the world-- well, atleast, this family. I love feeling great about life again!

I love melatonin. It's the chemical your body produces to induce sleep. Some people just never produce enough, so you can buy it over the counter. It works, it works, it works!! My precious B who never sleeps has to be awakened in the morning. She's happier and more alert during the day. She doesn't even seem as hyper. It's natural, and non-habit forming. Trying it on A and E tonight. I've even tried it. It's a great night's sleep without the "hangover" of p.m. medications.

I love Valentine's Day. OMGosh! Did I really say that? I've always hated Valentine's Day. Since it is also my birthday, it's a double whammy of disappointment. You can't go out to eat 'cuz the lines are too long. The flowers and candy are over-priced, and everbody figures since it's your birthday, you don't need to celebrate Valentine's Day, too. My hubby, however, sees the value in celebrating both, HE GETS TO STAY MARRIED TO ME!! He really is a great guy, now that I have him trained. I even volunteered to be on the party committee for my kindergartener. I never do that! I put up decorations and plan to make a special dessert for the occasion. Not sure yet what it will be, but I plan to do it!!

I love Iowa. It's 3 below zero, there's about 2 foot of snow on the ground, and there's a layer of ice on everything, but I still love it. I know that Spring will be here whenever it feels like it, and wishing for it does not make it happen any sooner. Sooo, I look for the silver lining in all of this frozen precipitation. If I leave my water bottle in the van, the water stays cold (not to mention, solid!) Hockey is my favorite sport and it cannot be played without ice. I love my fireplace. Snuggling is better when you're not all hot and sweaty. The hot tub is actually really relaxing when it's below freezing. And my favorite reason to love the Iowa weather, snowball fights on a frozen lake.

I love "Blogland." There's a blog out there for everyone. Of course, I love the crafting blogs. Talk about creative people. My "to do" list would take me three lifetimes to complete, but I just keep adding to it. There are blogs for RAD. These are the best. They are so supportive, and human! Whenever I'm feeling like I just can't do this "trama mama" parenting, I just read one of these blogs, and I get the stick-to-itness I need. There are blogs on cooking, gardening, traveling, religion, you name it. There are some questionable blogs, and some that are just down-right nasty, but I just stay away from them. I think I find a new blog everyday to add to my favorites.

I'm starting to love ME. It's nearly impossible for me to say that. In all of my 48 years (come Valentine's Day, LOL) I cannot pick a time when I was comfortable with myself. Now, I think I can truely say I have loved my 40s. I'm consciously making an effort to improve myself, my parenting, my looks, my habits. I've still got a long way to go, but it's getting better in more ways than one. When I was growing up, we had a banner in our church that read, "I am me and I am good 'cuz God don't make junk." Incorrect grammar aside, this is about the goodest saying there is.

Lately, I have discovered one other thing that I really love, satin sheets. I litterally slide into bed, but the feeling, once I stop slip sliding away, is pure bliss. Gonna go and slip between those sheets now. The melatonin is kicking in.

Holy Major Meltdown, Batman!!!!

It's been building since Christmas. It could be sadness because all the magic is over for 11 months. It could be the weather. Most would not argue that 2 foot of snow is enough to have on the ground at a time. It could just be a reaction to everything that is going on here at home. It was destined to happen. I was ready for it. Talk about crying, kicking and screaming, and a total emotional explosion. Okay, so I didn't kick and scream. Yes! I'm talking about my meltdown. I was at the end of my rope. Forget tying a knot and hanging on. I wanted to tie a noose and jump off. I had been pushed to my limit and no one was listening. E had a counselor appointment, and I spent most of it sobbing because I had lost control and nobody seemed to care. I haven't "hurt" that bad in a long time. The counselor's suggestion-- you need a break. I didn't need to go to a counselor to find that out. The tough thing was getting the break. When we got home from the appointment, I told my husband about the meltdown. He was sympathetic, but not very helpful. E had wittnessed the whole thing, yet, she knew I was at the breaking point, and pushed me even further. I decided I was taking two days off no matter what. I chose Wednesday and Thursday. Wednesday, today, we had a snowstorm and the kids were home from school. Tomorrow will probably be a 2 hour delay. So much for my break!

I did get a little time off this afternoon. A friend watched the kids so I could work on cleaning the basement. Not my idea of a day off, but productive anyway. I am starting to feel like I can cope a little better now, but I still need an attitude adjustment. Not sure what the next few days hold, but gonna try to recharge myself somewhere in there. There is so much to be done around here, but I have got to get myself back before I lose myself completely. I have been praying for some help. I know I can handle anything the Lord dishes out, but that doesn't mean it will be easy. I do know that the kids don't function very well when I'm out of sorts (duh!) Maybe we can bake cookies tomorrow, since I don't think I will get my day off. Gotta think positive. I've lost sight of the goal, healing for all of my kids. It's coming back slowly. Just got to get a little "me" time, and I know all will be right with the world.

Second-Hand Rose

On the outside, I'm a second-hand Rose. Almost everything I have has been owned by someone else first. Most of my furniture was given to us (big surprise there!!) My clothes were almost all bought at Goodwill or garage sales. Since I'm a crafter, I love to turn trash into treasures. My three favorite words are Citywide Garage Sales. Okay, city wide is two words, but you get the picture. Even my two cats and my dog were given to me by their previous owners. So, I guess when you look at it, I was destined to adopt. Four of my five kids were somebody else's first.

Some people might turn up their nose at the thought of having everything "used." I prefer to think of it as "double loved." For some things, this won't be their last stop, but I can guarantee one thing, while they are here, they will be loved. I'm not saying my kids are things, and this is most definately their last stop, until we kick them out at age 18, but I am saying that birth or adopted, my kids are loved. I once had a good friend tell me that she didn't believe that if my house was on fire, I would save my adopted kids before my biological son. I was agast!! I told her that after my Christmas decorations (just kidding, Mom!) I would save all of my kids or die trying. I often forget that they are adopted. HONEST!! Those little critters have wiggled themselves into my heart so deep, my life is meaningless without all of them. Like most of the items I have aquired second-hand, my kids have some flaws, stains, rips, tears, and are worn around the edges. Some of these traits are not desirable, but eventually, they will give them the charecter that eventually endures them even more permanently to my heart.

So, as I struggle to get B diagnosed so we can get her the help she needs, morn the fact that D will never talk, cuss under my breath because C and A have destroyed a favorite (most likely second-hand) item, and pull my hair out because E has once again lied about having homework, and failed yet another subject, I take a deep breath and picture them all as the treasures they are and the "diamonds" they have yet to become. Now, to use all of this optimisim on the Hubby!!!

I Do Not Fear A Brand New Year

By now, I've made it quite clear that Christmas is my very favorite holiday. Ours was about as close to perfect as you can get. Now, I struggle with the emotions I have regarding the "undecorating" of our humble abode. As I get older, it seems easier to put all of my lovelies away, because I know all I have to do is blink, and it's the holiday season once again.

My second favorite holiday is Easter. I'm sure when the time comes, I'll expound a little more on that.

My third favorite holiday is New Year's. Not because I like to go out and get drunk and raise a little, well, you get the picture. I love New Year's because it is a new start. I actually do quite well with the resolutions I set. With age comes wisdom, so I should be very wise, indeed. I've learned to set priorities first, then come up with sensible resolutions. Most people would look at me and immediately assume losing weight is among my top ten. I wish it was, but I have too many other things that top my list. I do, however, see this as a resolution in the near future. Actually, I haven't written them all down, yet. They're still up in my head, keeping all of the other random, quirky, and interesting thoughts company. So, here's my attempt at setting them free. Of course, they are in no special order. That would take too much energy and might offend the resolutions that are lower on the list. No, a mental evaluation is not on the list either!!

Getting and keeping my house clean- I always use my kids (especially my husband) as an excuse for my house being a mess. No more. I just have to get more creative in getting them to help out. Before every meal, I run dishwater in the sink so everyone can rinse off their dishes and put them in the dishwasher after they eat. It works great. We haven't had any dirty dishes on the cupboard or in the sink since New Year's Eve. Today we cleaned the computer room "relay style." All of the kids lined up outside the door and had to get an item matching the description I gave, ie: bring me something gray, pick up up two socks using your elbows. The room was cleared in less than ten minutes and we had a blast. I plan to clean one room completely then move on to another room while keeping the first room clean. I'm already on room three. I love waking up to a clean kitchen, bathroom and soon to be clean dining room and living room. I've got to get those decorations put away!!

Get a dog- I've always wanted a dog for myself, and I really want the kids to take up the responsibility it takes to have a dog. Cats are so low maintenence. You feed them, clean their litter box, lay still so they can sleep on your head. Let them think they own the house and you're fine. Dogs on the other hand have to be let out, groomed, bathed, walked, played with and house broken. If you leave, they have to have someone take care of them or you take them with you. Up until now, I was not ready for all of that responsibility. I get to pick up my dog tomorrow. He was my niece's, but she can no longer keep him. I'm so excited. He's a chihuahua. A little smaller than I wanted, but past all of that puppy nonsense. He will be mine and only mine until the kids can act respectful around him. That should be around A's 18th birthday.

Improve my blog- I know, it's so great now, what more can I do? I want to learn as much as I can about posting pictures and rearranging the pages. I want to include some of the kids' crafts and family pictures. I also want to show tutorials for some of my crafts, include some videos and links, and hopefully, get more followers.

Eat healthier- My husband got two new cookbooks for Christmas. He's been doing a great job of finding great tasting recipes. Now he needs to find great tasting recipes that are healthy. I want to eat healthy three times a week, and eat like we usually do the rest of the week, for now. I don't want to shock anyone!! I'll also make subtle changes in the things we eat, ie: substitute light dressings, use wheat flour and pasta, mix ground turkey with ground beef or pork. In time, I plan to cut out mac and cheese forever!! The kids, of course, think we need it twice a day. My husband is dangerously overweight, and I pray these changes will help him get some of the weight off without too much rebellion.

Cut out caffiene and aspartame- I used to be a Coke Zero addict. I decided to cut out the caffiene, but drinking straight water didn't work. I needed a little flavor. So, after a month of just water and milk, I started drinking Dr. Pepper. All caffine and sugar. When I could not longer fit into a size 16 pants, I decided I needed to do something. I'm not ready to diet, but I can cut out caffiene and aspartame. I found a flavored water that uses splenda. I love it. No caffiene or aspartame in over a week. The headaches are getting better, too.

Get a diagnosis and figure out how to parent B- her behavior is kicking my butt lately. She is so destructive, defiant, and deliberate, triple D threat. I think we know what is going on, Asperger's Syndrome, RAD, and ADHD, but I have no idea how to parent her. Interupting her thought pattern seems to be the best answer, but it doesn't work all the time and it's hard to stop all of her obsessive behavior when there are four other kids in the house, all with varying disabilities of their own. We'll get it, we just have to put it as priority one!

Take care of me so I can take care of thee- I'm worn out! I'm old, fat, and tired. I have forgotten the first rule of parenting a "RAD"ish, take care of yourself. I want to read more, craft more, finish writing my book, play with my dog and cats, go for walks and bike rides with and without the kids, use the hottub more, set up a quiet zone in my bedroom, and blog atleast once a week.

Be a better parent- just a continuation from last year. As my kids grow in healing and confidence, my parenting gets better. Actually, I think as I become a better parent, my kids can heal and grow more easily. Unfortunately, the day to day grind takes over, and I don't spend as much time with the kids as I would like to. When my goal for a clean house is realized, I will be able to spend more time with the kids. BUT, my kids should not have to wait. I want to spend an hour each day doing only kid centered activites. I know this does not sound like much, but in our chaotic household, it's gonna be a challenge. Some ideas I have are, crafting, reading together, dance parties, American Idol auditions (we've done this in the past, and it is a blast!!,) campfires, camping out in the playhouse, picnics, slumber parties, and much more. I also want the kids to invite more friends over. It's not conducive to the healing process right now, but in the near future, I want our house to be the neighborhood hang-out.

Date my Husband- this is going to be the hardest. It's hard to find a babysitter for five kids. We were told by a RAD expert that the divorce rate for parents of kids with RAD is 92%. Some days, that seems low!! I know a lot of RAD parents who are still together, but they really have to work at it. I'm ready to put in the work and time. I just have to be creative. I know my husband is ALL for that.

Do RAK's- I have been on the receving end of several Random Acts of Kindness. I have been able to do a few of them, but not as much as I would like. Being on the giving end is a lot more fun. To start with, I want to do one RAK a month, a low and achievable number that can increase with time. There are so many people who deserve a lift, I want to be one of the people who is responsible for giving it to them.

I'm sure there are more ideas running around in my brain, but for now, this is a pretty good start. I am loving 2011 so far, and I plan to do everything in my power to make it the best year yet. Peace, health, and blessings to all of us in this wonderful year.